During the last couple of years, I have felt so alone in the healing process from the sins I've committed in the past. I have never met anyone with whom I have felt comfortable enough to share my struggles. This is unfortunate because I have an awesome support system consisting of a loving family and tried and true friends. That is what shame and guilt does to you, though. It clams you up even from the ones who care about you the most.
This phone call happened after Training Camp, but Training Camp itself helped prepare me for it. Leading up to May 18th, the devil tried to tell me that my sins of my past would keep me from going on The World Race. It's not because they were sins because we ALL fall short. It was because my sins were not what the world would consider "normal". Satan attempted to convince me that nobody would understand my sins much less relate to them.
God has made it very clear to me that He has forgiven me, but we all know that part of the recovery process is sharing our testimony with others. All week long, I so badly wanted to share my struggles with my fellow Squad mates or Training Camp Staff, but every time I tried, it was like an invisible brick wall went up right in front of my spiritual eyes. As much as I wanted to talk, I just couldn't.
This all changed, though on the Thursday night of Training Camp. It was a weird service because we were all sitting on the ground instead of the black chairs that we had to carry around with us EVERYWHERE. To be honest, I don't remember much about that night except that a staff member named Brian was invited up to give his testimony. While he was talking, I realized just how similar our stories were. The more he talked, the more healing I experienced from my past. His story was different than others I have heard. As soon as he was done, God told me, "You have to talk to that guy!"
After the service, I tried to find my way up to where he was standing; however, he was swarmed by World Race alum and other Training Camp Staff which I could understand. They wanted to rejoice with him and all that God has done in his life. I stood around for a few more minutes but to no avail. I decided to head back to our campsite.
I went through the rest of Training Camp wishing that I would've had the chance to speak to him. Saturday came, and it was time to head back home. On our way to Memphis, I noticed that one of my fellow Squad Mates became Facebook friends with Brian. I instantly added him and sent him a message thanking him for telling his testimony, and I shared with him the fact that we had the same struggles. He asked me if I would ever like to have a deeper discussion. I obliged immediately. I shared with him things that I have never shared with anybody. I felt such a peace about the whole thing because I knew God set this appointment up.
Brian offered to call me later that night. Of course, I said, "Yes". We talked for an hour about my past, my present, and my future. The love and encouragement he extended to me was something that I have never experienced before. He reassured me that there is nothing wrong with me. He told me that my sins might be different in the eyes of society, but in the eyes of our Father, they are no different than anybody else's. Christ didn't die on the Cross just for socially acceptable sins. He died for all sins.
The conversation that I had with Brian was the beginning of a journey towards healing, and I believe God is going to use The World Race to get me to the finish line. He has placed this group of brothers and sisters around me for a reason. The World Race is not only for those who He is going to reach through me. It's also a vessel in which He plans to draw ME closer to HIM.
Because of Training Camp, I learned that my sins are not weird or strange. Instead, they are unique. However, the more unique the struggle, the more unique the victory. The more unique the victory, the more unique the ways that God will use you to reach others. God made me exactly the way He wanted. I don't have time to maintain the regrets of my past when I think about the way He loves me.
