On Thursday, after four and a half months, I was finally cleared from my concussion!!
At first, I was stoked out of my mind, like you should be!! I honestly couldn’t believe it! I didn’t expect clearance to come so soon, and it felt so good to finally be done with it for good!
Back when my concussion first happened, I promised myself I would write a blog after my concussion was cleared. I wanted to wait until after it was all done because I was struggling more than I wanted to admit. I wasn’t willing to write a blog because I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable and share my struggles at the time. Instead of talking about all that I’ve overcome, I’d love to share with you a journal entry of what the Lord has overcome for me.
When I think about that long hardship that ended, it’s honestly so hard to think about as a whole. It was a mess. A complete mess. I didn’t get to finish out senior year “strong,” the way I always pictured it, and I missed out on a lot more than I had ever planned.
On April 16th, I got up to make some breakfast and had a little black out, simply because I stood up too fast – that’s been something that’s always happened to me. So I just stood and held on the table, I thought for three seconds. I ended up blacking out, and cracking my head open on the tile floor. Five staples, whiplash, and a concussion were the result.
Many, many tears were cried over the next four and a half months, more tears and much longer than anything I had ever expected. I missed a lot and I hated that.
It was a battle of feeling horrible but pretending to be fine. I wasn’t willing to admit to myself that I had a concussion, that I was limited, that I wasn’t okay. I just found the positives in things and tried to block out the pain. I blamed myself for fainting. It was all my fault – I pulled an all-nighter at prom, I procrastinated a project and styed up again all night in the same week. I was dehydrated. I had given myself mono from going too hard to begin with. I had not rested, it was my fault. And anytime people would tell me I’m sorry, I would just tell them that “it’s okay, I did this to myself,” in a joking manner to make it more lighthearted and give off the hakuna matata vibe. I wasn’t willing to face the reality of I feeling alone and incredibly angry at the mess I had made, and I was convinced that God was watching me, sitting up in His golden throne and wondering how I would get myself out of this mess. I had been going through a lot of doubt before I ever cracked my head open, and this was the final straw, the final thing that made the twisted lies even more concrete.
I was sitting there in this huge, ugly, disgusting mess, so ugly that I was ashamed to let anyone near, and I built a wall around myself. Each time someone asked me how I am or how I was doing, I would tell them good, or slowly improving, and tell them the words I wanted to hear. And each time I lied, a brick was put up in the wall, and I was drowning in the mess without even realizing it. I thought as long as I could look at the sun, I could pretend the mess was gone.
Suddenly it was the end of summer and I was saying goodbye to friends and youth group and everything was changing all around me. I was about to go to training camp, and I was convinced I wouldn’t go or would have to come home early, because my concussion doctor didn’t think I was doing well enough to try to go, and even threatened that if I wasn’t careful I couldn’t go on the World Race. And that was one of my ultimate fears. I cried at that doctor’s appointment, and I was terrified. My heart kept telling me to trust God, but my mind kept telling me that I couldn’t do that because I didn’t even know how. If I wasn’t better after three and a half months, why would God do something about it now? Does He really care? And so, with that in mind I left for training camp. I left angry, without peace; I left very, very anxious. I left, hoping for this training camp to somehow be a “spiritual high” and to take me out this feeling of despair, at least for a couple of days. I wanted it to be a distraction, something I could focus on besides my concussion and my mess and my brick wall.
It ended up being quite the opposite. It brought me back to my mess and my brick wall, over and over and over again. And suddenly, I realized that in that mess, and inside of those four brick walls was not only me. There was another person in there too. I pretended that they were on the other side of the brick wall, and that I was alone. But no. Not at all. He was sitting next to me, crying every single tear with me and for me. He was pleading to me, begging me to talk to Him. He only wanted to listen, not condemn. He only wanted to tell me that I was loved, treasured, and forgiven. I just sat there, numb, pretending to be fine and blocking it all out. I hurt Him, and upset Him, and He could’ve been angry with me and impatient with me, but He never, ever was. He stuck by me and stayed in that slimy, disgusting mess. And he thought nothing of it. He didn’t even notice all the dirt all over me. He saw me, and He saw me as the most beautiful I had ever been. He looked at me with love in His eyes even though I stared right through Him, and pretended He wasn’t there. He saw the deepest, darkest parts of me, and didn’t even hesitate to say I love you. He didn’t think once of leaving. He just stayed. Right there. Right next to me.
And then, I looked up, I saw the huge, massive pile of bricks all around me. They were so tall that I couldn’t even reach them. I tried to do it by myself but I just couldn’t. Then, all of the sudden I noticed someone sitting next to me and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed of my mess and the fact that it took me so long to notice Him. I started to turn away out of shame, but He said, “Wait!” And as soon as I turned back around, I realized that I needed to apologize. As I apologized, tears streamed down my face as I realized all the things I had done to myself to end up in the mess, and He simply shook His head and smiled. He couldn’t even hear all of my regrets and bitterness towards myself because He had already forgotten all about them. He had forgiven me a long time ago. And then, He jumped up, and helped me knock down some of the bricks in the wall. I knew He was strong enough to knock them all down. I begged Him to, but He told me that sometimes it’s better in the long run to knock them down slowly instead of all at once. He told me I was beautiful, bold, and chosen. And for the first time, I actually believed it! And together we knocked a few more down!
Soon, I could see slightly over the wall, and there was lots of people dancing and shouting and singing and laughing in fields that looked endless. I was upset, because I wanted to be as free as they were. But He tapped me on the shoulder and turned me around to look straight into His eyes. I tried to look away, because His eyes were so intense and zoned in on me, I tried to just keep watching the people dancing, and tried to see the end of the field. Instead of breaking down some more bricks, He sat me down and told me that it doesn’t matter that they are dancing and I am sitting – it only matters that I look at Him to see that I am just as loved and just as worthy – no more, no less. And my heart changed from jealousy to joy, and then we got to knock down even more bricks. And then there wasn’t many bricks left. A few more of the people dancing stepped over the bricks because they saw me in pain, and prayed for me, and touched my head. And as they jumped over to the field, they knocked over a few more bricks without even noticing.
I started to feel better and better and the last few bricks were gone with the pain. I tried to run out in the fields and felt sad, and I didn’t know why. I turned around, and realized that the mess was never completely cleaned up – there was still a few random pieces. I was afraid to pick them up, because I was upset at what this mess had done to me and how long it took to clean it up. He told me I didn’t have to be afraid of the mess anymore. Remembering the mess felt like my worst nightmare all over again, and I wanted to block it out. But then I heard Him say my name, and I remembered that He was with me the whole time. And it wasn’t the worst nightmare when I remembered that. When I remembered that he sat right in the mess with me. When I remembered that He completely forgave me. When I remembered His unfailing love. Then, I wasn’t afraid anymore! I wasn’t sad anymore! Because the messes I make do not matter to Him, because I am rooted in His love forever and ever whether I believe it or not. And so I danced in the endless fields. I shouted and sang and He reminded me not to pick up any messes ever again, but to give the messes to Him and simply trust Him with it, and rest in His love in the process.. And for the first time, I realized this freedom was forever and ever when I choose Him. As He danced with me, I realized that I almost forgot to ask His name!
And He said, “Jesus!!”
