On Saturday, I got back from spending ten days learning how hard the next eleven months will be. But one of the confusing and amazing things about God is that He has a way of making the most difficult things beautiful in a way that I don’t really understand. That’s something I really love about Him because I’m not kidding when I say that there were a lot of moments when training camp was difficult for me, but those were the moments when I knew that God was pushing me beyond my own limits so that I would have to rely on His strength.
For a girl who had never camped a day in her life to spend 10 days sleeping in a tent under the Georgia sky, showering out of a bucket, and hiking around with a 30 pound backpack, training camp certainly had it’s physical challenges. And I’m sure the demands of getting around and going about life in the countries I visit will bring some of those as well.
But the relational and spiritual challenges were just as demanding, if not more so. I was forced out of my comfort zone as I struggled with my old tendencies to clam up and close myself off in large groups. Then there were the moments when I didn’t want to talk or give feedback after we worked through certain scenarios because I told myself that I didn’t have anything to contribute. These things are not just relational difficulties, but they are spiritual in nature, too. They pose obstacles to the unity God wants me to have with the people He’s placed around me. None of us can do this on our own, and until we learn to lean into those uncomfortable moments and choose to be the Body of Christ, “fit together perfectly” (Ephesians 4:16 NLT), we will be missing out on the beautiful work He wants to do in and through us.
Because when I did open up, when I let my guard down, I found people who were willing to love me and listen to me. They were willing to hear about all the ways I’ve messed up and still keep pushing me to extend mercy to myself and continue growing. When I got over the fact that I was tired and that it was getting close to midnight, I was able to look up at the stars and see them in a new way as my sisters and brothers sang worship songs long into the night. And that’s when I was able to know that God is good. No matter what I go through over this next year, no matter how tired I am, or how much I want a hamburger, God is good. And the things I’m giving up pale in comparison to the gifts He’s giving me through this journey.
One of the things that made the most impact on me out of the entire week was when one of the mentors for our leaders spoke to our squad. He told us we were there so we could go do something with our Dad. Maybe it’s just because that is so purely relational and has nothing at all to do with doing anything, but the thought still brings tears to my eyes. God didn’t call me on this trip to change the world because I can’t. He didn’t ask me to do this so He would be proud of me because I could never do anything to earn His love. This journey is all about our Father getting to spend some time with His kids and us learning how to enjoy that, even when all of our circumstances make it seem ridiculous to try to find anything to be happy about.
So in the moments when I’m struggling and I want to quit and go home, I hope to find the glory in the commitment I’ve made to my 55 squadmates, and the 6 beautiful, courageous women on my team. On the cross, God demonstrated that He specializes in bringing good out of the most broken moments. At training camp, I got a small taste of that, and it has only just begun.
