Our ministry this month was working at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base outside of Mendoza, Argentina. The people there are working so hard to reach a community that needs the hope we have in Christ. One of the ways they do that is by hosting camps and school groups and taking teams through the ropes course they built a few years ago.
On our first day of ministry we began by going through some of the ropes course elements as a team so we could then help with the school groups that were coming the next day. My team began on the low ropes course. It was fun, and it was a great opportunity for our team to work through some of the things you are supposed to learn in those situations. Still, there were moments when I felt like the weak link.
However, when we moved into the next element, I felt fear grip my heart. If you didn’t know this about me, I’m afraid of heights. The element is called Salto de Fe, which means Leap of Faith. The idea is to climb a really tall pole using the iron rungs. There was a bench at the top. You make a declaration, and then jump (either from the bench or the top of the pole) and try to hit a football that is hanging in front of it. You are harnessed in, and your teammates are holding the rope to lower you safely to the ground after.
I watched my teammate Sherese climb up and jump like it wasn’t a big deal. But then I saw our host Trudy coming at me with a helmet. Even before I started climbing, I almost couldn’t choke out the questions you ask your team before you climb. “Can I trust you?” “Yes,” they replied. “Can I go up?” Again, they said, “Yes.”
I turned to the pole and started climbing. I was maybe halfway up when I clung to the trunk. My teammates below were cheering me on and coaxing me into climbing up one more rung. And then one more.
Eventually I made it to the bench at the top. In all honesty, that was better than I expected of myself. But they were encouraging me to just get on the bench. By this point I was in tears. Once I sat on the bench, I was a little relieved. At least I felt like I had something relatively stable under me. But the problem then was getting down. Nothing in me wanted to jump off. I could barely move. I was still physically tired from our long travel days, and my body was so tense from holding on like my life depended on it.
As I sat trembling and crying I felt exposed in my irrational fear. By this point, others outside of our team were below watching me sit frozen on the bench.
I just wanted to get down, and eventually I realized the only way down was the obvious one. So I carefully maneuvered around to face my teammates. I made my declaration.
“My heart is steady; I will not be afraid.” (See Psalm 112:8)
Then I scooted myself off the bench and was caught in the air as my teammates held the rope and lowered me to the ground.
I was so relieved, and soon I was surrounded by my teammates hugging me and telling me how proud they were of me.
They told me I was inspiring.
But I didn’t feel inspiring. I felt ashamed that it was so hard for me. And the next day when I watched a bunch of fifth graders climb up the pole and jump off like it was actually fun, I was even more embarrassed.
I struggled to understand. Why did I need to confront one of my fears in this way? Why does it even matter that I’m afraid of heights? What was I supposed to learn from this experience that didn’t seem to have much to do with real life?
Don’t get me wrong. I understand facing your fears is important, but I didn’t feel like my life has really been severely inhibited by my fear of heights so it didn’t seem super important to me to overcome that in such a dramatic way.
Since I’ve had some time to reflect on this experience, however, I think the Lord has showed me a few things.
First, any fear in our lives is less than what God intends. His perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). That verse goes on to say that if we have fear, we haven’t been perfected in love. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t yet been perfected in God’s love. But that day I took one more step in learning to trust him in his love for me and in trusting those he’s placed around me to literally call me higher and catch me when I feel like I’m falling.
Second, I feel like the Lord was asking me to trust him even when I didn’t see a purpose or feel emotionally energized or strengthened by something that was asked of me. God wants to speak to us and invite us in on what he’s doing. In John 15:15 Jesus tells his disciples that they are no longer his servants, but his friends because he has made known to them what he has heard from the Father. God’s not trying to keep us in the dark. As our friend, he’s inviting us into what he’s doing, but because our ways are not his, the picture isn’t always clear at first. In that, we have to trust that he’s working and will reveal his purpose when we need to know it.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, he actually showed me that sometimes what we go through isn’t about us. Apparently this event registered for my teammates in a way that impacted them. So maybe I went through that whole emotional ordeal in order to inspire and encourage them.
Like I said, I felt more embarrassed than inspirational at the time so I’m not saying this to tell you how brave I was for climbing a pole.
The thing is that people are watching your life. And whatever it is that is put in front of you to do, it’s probably something to which other can relate, even if it’s not exactly like what they’re facing. How you handle the situations you face is important, for you and for those who are watching you. Even if you don’t see the purpose, trust God and jump (or scoot) off the bench, knowing that if he’s asking you to do it, there is a reason, and it may not be about you.
