I sit here at my computer, having just officially left my full time, secure job, in a career that I’m passionate about to travel the world to serve Jesus.
I don’t have all the funds I need to go yet. I’m not sure how I will raise them, and I’m not sure about pretty much anything that will happen this year.
It’s scary, uncertain, and feels kind of reckless. But I know that God loves me and I believe that this is what I’m meant to be doing, and therefore he will provide.
These things are easy to say, somewhat flippantly at first, but more often than not they’re harder to believe, particularly as deadlines loom closer. I often try to make comparisons to help me understand God’s relationship and feelings towards me. But you will never be able to explain that heavenly love in an earthly manner. My earthly mind struggles to even contemplate how much he loves me, I try to find a comparable love but nothing comes close. A comparable relationship, but nothing quite fits the bill. I’m still worried that nothing will work out, that I won’t raise the funds, I won’t make it to training camp, that they will just say ‘sorry you can’t come’, but somehow it all seems to fall into place.
I am continually surprised and overwhelmed by God’s love for me. I can’t understand why, or what I have done to deserve it. I can never work out why me, why do I have these crazy dreams that keep coming true, why does he think I can do any of this. Time and time again I have felt confused and overwhelmed by the path my life seems to be taking. I have stopped to ask, ‘Wait a minute, you know this is me right?’ That I couldn’t possibly do these things, that I’m too shy, too scared, too anxious, too awkward, too moody, too lazy, too bossy, too introverted, too annoying, too unsure, too inexperienced, too young, too unsuited for this life that is in front of me.
Every day, every week, every month, every year, there are so many things that I manage to do that I cannot understand or believe that I have done. That I am capable of any of this takes my breath away. That God would love me so much to plan a way for me, to complete what he has started in me, to keep showering me in love everyday, and to have made such big extravagant plans for me. Whether I’m ready to accept it or not he keeps raining his blessings down on me.
I pray that as I enter this new phase of my life, filled with so many more impossible things than I can bear to think about, that I am always made breathless by God’s love. That it is never taken for granted, that I would become expectant of it and believe in it, but that it would always continue to fill me with awe. I would learn to see myself through his eyes, and believe that anything is possible through him who has designed these incredible plans for me. And that his love will always overwhelm me but that I would learn to accept it, relish in it, and thrive in it.
