The World Race isn’t always fun. You don’t become best friends with everyone you meet. You don’t always enjoy, or excel at the tasks you’re asked to do everyday. Sometimes the last place on Earth you want to be is on the World Race.
After months of just pretending that you don’t have these feelings, of smiling and trying to ‘fake it till you make it’ I’ve finally realised that it’s okay to not be okay.
I fell into the habit of telling myself and others that ‘I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.’ whenever something was clearly not okay, whenever something was frustrating or upsetting. It seemed harmless enough, just a coping mechanism to get through those tough days with a smile on my face. But then I realised, why should I always have a smile? If a smile is sometimes fake then it removes the purpose of a smile, to display happiness. If I more often than not fake my happiness, how would I appreciate and revel in the happiness and joy that did come.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
Romans 12:15
I don’t know when, but at some point the first half of this sentence became superior to the second. The aim was to always be rejoicing no matter what; ignore the things that make you want to weep, because ‘real’ christians are always rejoicing.
Somehow this lie was defining my thought life, saying that acknowledging pain and hurt in my everyday situations would somehow taint the joy I was meant to be feeling because of my salvation. But that’s all this is, a lie. I am not reducing my joy by acknowledging my pain. I am not disappointing Jesus by weeping. I am not being a poor representation of Christ’s love on earth if I experience distress and anxiety.
This realisation has taken weeks of journaling to process, but the turning point in my thinking happened one night in Malaysia when I asked myself is this really okay?
Here’s what I said.
Is it okay that hosts give you feedback saying you’re not engaging and friendly enough outside of ministry hours, when it’s taken all the strength you have to get up and get dressed this month?
Is it okay that you move into another room in the middle of the night to sob into your pillow so you don’t disturb anyone else?
Is it okay to feel guilty about not enjoying every second of this experience because other people have paid for you to be here?
Is it okay to fake a smile and say everything is fine over the fuzzy screened, robot sounding, FaceTime home because you don’t want the people in the coffee shop to see you crying again?
Is it okay to feel like there’s nothing you’re ever good at, and everyday you try your best and just feel like you keep falling short?
Is it okay that a ‘simple’ task seems to take about 8 hours to complete, and sometimes you still don’t manage to sort it out, so you go to bed feeling even more useless and incapable than you left it feeling?
Is it okay to be reduced to tears by the choice of what to eat for lunch because everything is too overwhelming?
Is it okay to wonder what on Earth God was thinking when he told you to come on this trip?
Is it okay to question everything you’ve ever thought because surely this isn’t what God had planned?
Is it okay to scribble into tear stained journals for hours in the hope that these feelings will just go away?
Is it okay to live in fear of going home because what if this really is the ‘trip of a lifetime’ and this is as good as it gets?
Is it okay that the only reason you’re still here is because you would be too ashamed to tell everyone you had to come home?
Is it okay to lie in bed with your headphones in playing nothing, so that no one will try to talk to you?
Is it okay when church members tell you that if you’re an introvert then you shouldn’t be doing missions, you question your whole understanding of your life?
Is it okay that you fight an internal battle everyday, half willing this thing to be over, and half hoping it will never end?
Is it okay that because life changes so frequently that agreeing to something more than two weeks in advance gives you anxiety?
Is it okay that all life choices have been made for you on the race, meaning that making an independent decision about anything bigger than a meal choice is impossible?
Is it okay that because I’ve not been allowed to walk anywhere alone for the last 8 months I question my safety and capabilities at all times?
Is it okay to feel like you don’t fit in anywhere, that no one at home will want you but that you have been no use here either?
Is it okay to leave a country wondering if you helped at all or if you were just a burden and a novelty act?
Is it okay that I’m scared to admit I’m feeling these things?
Is it okay that these things make me feel like a failure?
Is it okay that I feel like I’m broken and defective?
Is it okay that I hope these feelings will disappear and that no one will ever know they were here?
Is it okay to just keep pretending that I’m fine, in the hope that eventually I will be?
‘a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;’
‘He has made everything beautiful in its time.’
Ecclesiastes 3:4, 3:11
