Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all
Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the prettiest of them all
Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the skinniest of them all
Mirror mirror on the wall whose completion is the clearest of them all
Mirror mirror on the wall, the list goes on & on & on
These thoughts constantly run through my mind the minute I step in front of a mirror.
In the last two months, the amount of mirrors you see around campus in Gainesville are 1 to none. One of the only “mirrors” you practically have is the tiny mirror thats stuck on the door inside the port-a-potties we use. And even so, what you see is nothing but a distorted face. The other “mirrors” are the windows you walk past everyday to fill up your water bottle or wash your hands, and even with that all you see is a full body mirror that doesn’t show you how you truly look. Yet I still depend on them to determine how I will act that day.
Will I be happy with what I see in these distorted mirrors, or will I look down on myself and walk around in self pity? Will I have the confidence to look people in the eyes, or look down so they can’t focus on what my face may look like that day (based on blemishes/imperfections). Am I really going to let the “mirrors” I have at AIM, the ones you can barely even see anything determine the confidence I have in the Lord?
Going into this new chapter of life, I told myself this will be a great experience not to worry about my outward appearance and only focus on my inside appearance from the heart.
On the road trip down to Foley, Alabama, I knew what was going to lie ahead of me the minute we got to use real bathrooms and sinks with mirrors.
Did I actually lose weight these past 2 months or have I been fooling myself ?
Is my face cleared up from my breakouts this past week?
Are my pores minimized and my eyes as bright as can be?
You want to know something funny? Well funny may not be the correct term but hear me out.
The minute I stepped into the bathroom, I didn’t notice the mirror right in front of me and I didn’t even see that there was a full length mirror. Someone pointed it out when I was using the bathroom and I started to laugh. I want to be able to say that none of these thoughts circled through my head after I stopped and looked in the mirror while washing my hands but that wasn’t the case.
Here’s the catch: what I saw in the mirror kinda shocked me. I didn’t immediately focus on whether or not my face was clear or If my body was at its skinniest it’s ever been. What I saw was a young women full of confidence. When I stepped in front of the full length mirror I felt confident in my body. Yeah there was a little weight loss but something only I could truly notice.
This morning when I went to wash my face, brush my teeth and change into my Sunday best, I found myself closely examining the image I saw in front of me. My pores were small, but my breakouts and scars were still noticeable. My body looked slimmer yet I caught myself say ‘if only you could lose more weight.’
You see, we all are going to tell ourself the flaws we immediately see and focus on the imperfections to further work as hard as we can to lose weight and stay on track with our skincare routine. Not matter how much your face has cleared up or how skinny you are, it seems as thought we’re never ever satisfied!
I wasn’t satisfied with the amount of weight I have lost and the visible breakouts I still see, but this is what the Lord is reminding me while I’m typing this up.
In my head, I know my outward beauty does not determine my worth. I know my inward beauty is what matters most, and that what is within will shine through me. I know I’m a daughter of the King Jesus and that I am made in God’s image. I know God is hurt when I criticize the way He made me. I know I know I know in my head, but I’m realizing that head knowledge is different from heart knowledge.
This is the exact thing I wanted to learn more about. Switching my head knowledge to heart knowledge. To know I believe it in my heart not just my head.
Body image is going to be something I will struggle with my whole life. I will have seasons of ups and downs about what I see in the mirror and I’m ok with that because I know the Lord is with me and walking me through this.
I’m sitting here on a picnic bench with three of my amazing leaders in a park right across the street from the church we are staying at here in Foley, Alabama. We’re all doing our own quiet time, but at the end we shared a little about what the Lord was teaching us. I asked them how do you change your head knowledge to heart knowledge. They all spoke so much wisdom about how they have seasons when they look in the mirror and are confident in who they are, but also seasons where their heart knowledge goes back to head knowledge and they have to work back to the place where they once were when it came to body image.
I encourage any of you who are struggling in the season of not believing where your true beauty comes from, to seek the Lord to grow & learn how He sees you. To transform your heart and see all the ways the Lord has uniquely created you and the gifts he has uniquely chosen for you!! He loves you with all His heart and wants you to see yourself as He sees you.
xoxo,
Cjane
