*this blog is raw and real. I have been needing to be honest with myself and with God, and I will be sharing what God has been teaching me this year- beware, it’s a little long*
Senior year has not been how I thought it would be. I was very defeated and confused. I became so caught up in my own expectations and self desires/wants, I neglected the reality of it all. Going into senior year I was determined to finish high school with confidence and no regrets. I upheld the expectation that all my classmates would be tight; we would all be so friendly and encourage each other to finish strong. Man was I wrong. Over the summer I was never in contact with most of my classmates so I felt out of the loop going into this year. I never expected to withdraw from my classmates the way I did and I let down a lot of people.
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– Here’s a little back story to help you understand where I am coming from: for most of my life everyone has known me as the bubbly, happy, thriving girl. A girl who knew what she wanted in life, where she wanted to see herself in the future, and do everything with abundant confidence. That was fairly true. I always wanted others to see the positive in the negative, give others a different perspective on situations they found themselves stuck in and always sm;)e. God has always been my rock… the foundation of my joy. That was the expectation I felt everyone had for me. Always be happy and friendly.-
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Because of this, I felt this pressure to always be joyful and help others have faith. Over the summer of 2019, negativity began to creep through. I began to look at my classmates so negatively. School became such a burden and I just wanted to be graduated already. I would ask God to take away this negativity because I truly didn’t feel like myself. As the summer finished, my negativity was a rollercoaster. Somedays I would be more positive, other days I would be more negative. Although I wasn’t totally wallowed up in negativity, I’ve never had negativity consume my thoughts like they were.
As school began, the Holy Spirit sparked excitement in my heart. I was determined to build relationships and grow in my friendships with my classmates and stay away from drama. Within the first few weeks I found out a lot happened during the summer. I didn’t really want to know the specifics so I would leave a conversation and find something else to do. As the weeks went by the drama continued to be talked about and all around me was gossip. Because of that I would isolate myself more and more away from my classmates. I didn’t want to hear or be apart of it.
Before I knew it, an incident happened where conflict full of misunderstandings, assumptions, and blame quickly arose and I was right in the middle of it. It was a full blown spiritual attack. I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t’ think clearly and my identity felt attacked. I would walk through the hallways, go to class, sit down and stay quiet, all day for weeks. I didn’t want to be social and I didn’t want to eat. My mental and physical health were deteriorating. I would go to youth group on Wednesdays and afterwards I would hang out with my church friends. Wednesday nights were the only day of the week I felt like I could speak and be heard and be myself. Only one of my friends knew I was hurting everyone else saw the mask I put on. The mask I put on was a way for me to still be joyful and smile for others to brighten their day, and not have anyone ask me what was wrong. I hid in my own skin. At night I would try to pray but I found myself not being able to form any words. I was hurting so much. My closest family members knew what was going on. My mom played a big part in this season. She was there to listen, comfort and give advice. God used her in so many ways. I knew God was with me. I felt His presence and His peace. Even though I couldn’t find the words to express my hurting, God knew. He knew I was crying out for help.
As the fiasco began to wind down and the misunderstandings subsided, I found rest. My faith was tested and stretched so wide. It was challenging and something I could not have done on my own strength. God is so powerful and all knowing! I tend to underestimate His power but how can I do that now when God has brought me out of hurting!
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. DO not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”
The conflict wasn’t settled yet. In any situation where someone is hurt, you have to be able forgive on both sides! Forgiving has never been a challenging thing until that moment. It was so hard to forgive. I felt the main problem of the conflict was being ignored and there was no reconciliation. Instead I felt the main problem was trying to be forgotten. That’s when my mom told me about reconciliation and what that meant. She said in any moment of forgiveness the goal should not be to ‘forgive and forget,’ but instead ‘Forgive and Reconcile.’ That was a game changer! When you forgive the next step is to try and reconcile with each other and try to rebuild the relationship. Rebuilding a relationship takes time, and to this day its slowly rebuilding.
Looking back in that season, and seeing the place I was in now, I realized how many people I shut out. How many of my classmates I ignored and hid away from. I wasn’t happy about it, my mindset at that point was GET ME OUT OF HERE! I let satan’s lies convince me that I didn’t care about anyone. That was scary to admit to myself but it was the truth. It was then I knew I needed a heart change. I let satan’s lies change my attitude from a loving heart to a heart of rejection. At that point I prayed for my heart to soften and for me to love others like Jesus. My heart needed reviving. I was not happy with how I treated people so harshly without even using my words.
Fast forward to now, my eyes have been opened. My mindset has been refreshed.
2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”
This past week at my school, we had a 180 week. The 180 week is meant for students to reflect and be refreshed at the beginning of a new semester. Going to a private Christian school has been a huge blessing especially because we are able to openly worship and learn about God. Each morning for three days, the whole school would worship together and hear a message by Pastor Jason Curry. His message was based on truly living for Christ and devoting your life to glorify Him in everything you do. Man did God move within our school and through Pastor Curry! On day two the Holy Spirit convicted me. The message that day was about the three main paths you take to fully grow, learn and live out the life God has planned for you. Here were the three paths:
1. The Right Path: This path is the first step to discern the right form wrong. To do that you have to be in the Word of God, and grow your relationship with Christ through prayer. The Holy Spirit will guide you in your decisions if you listen and obey.
2. The Wise Path: This next path is second step in discerning the path God wants you to take that is the wisest for yourself. To understand and have confidence in choosing which path would be the wisest, you need to seek out wise counsel through mentors and leaders who disciple you and who have experienced this season of life already, along with continuous prayer and diving into the Word.
3. The Impactful Path: Lastly this path is the path of impacting everyone around you wherever the Lord leads you. This is where many want to be, but few are actually living this out. God uses you everywhere you go if you let Him. You have to be fully intune with God and obey what he commands you to do. You have to have faith!
As I reflected on these things and where I am now, I was astounded. Choosing the right path has been clearly evident as I see where I am now. If it wasn’t for putting full trust in God to lead me in the right directions, I have no idea where I would be now. The wise path is where I find myself most comfortable. I have been blessed with wonderful mentors, parents, and teachers who have so much wisdom. They’re the ones who have taught me what it looks like to truly trust and have faith the God’s plan for my life. When I reflected on the impactful path, I felt so much conviction. God opened my eyes so wide I realised that I could have had so much of an impact on my classmates and school, but in my last year of high school, I’ve wasted half the time wallowing in self pity. I wasted a whole semester sheltering myself instead of reaching out and having an impact on my school. This is when God changed my mindset! The past is the past, but what I do now no matter how insignificant it seems, God can still use me to impact my classmates in this last semester! Man, I am so pumped and fired up! I don’t know why I let myself be so blinded. I have abundant faith that God has always been moving and will continue to move throughout this year. I’m truly thankful for the message God gave Pastor Curry to speak on. The really cool thing about this past week was how God moved through so many students! So many hearts and eyes were opened wide! The beauty of seeing it all was an overflowing joy that was poured on many students. God is so so good. He knows what He is doing, and to ever underestimate His power is honestly a punch in the face.
Our God is all powerful, all knowing, and everywhere. He’s alive and roaring loudly! I pray that you will reflect on which path you find yourself, and are encouraged to build your relationship with Christ. Living for God is worth so much more than what this world could ever offer!!
1 Peter 4:11 “If anyone speaks, they could do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
*shout out if you read all the way, this was a long blog*
P.S. I am truly blessed and thankful for the prayers and support thus far in the journey! God completely blew me away in the amount of money that has already been raised because of all who prayerfully consider and gave. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!
Peace and Love,
Clara Scott :)))
