It has been two months and six days since I graduated from Vanguard University and I am a fish out of water.
It’s humid. The AC creates a soft hum as it pushes through the vents. I can see small planets of dust floating in the rays of sun beaming through our glass doors. The birds outside are talking to each other like old neighbors on their porch rocking chairs. The oak trees are dancing to the music of midwestern winds.
This is not my fishbowl.
There are no papers to write, no scripts to analyze, no films to edit, no music performances to attend, no friends across the hall, no beaches, no chapels, and no Professors’ lectures to sit in on. The academic demands have permanently ended their course.
And the silence is screaming at me.
For the past few weeks, I have been using anything to, funny enough, mute the silence. I’ve used YouTube, music, movies, worship, and even creating my own videos to drown out the deafening silence.
And I failed.
My tired body was aching for it, longing for rest and stillness when all I kept doing was feeding my soul more content, more information, and more half-hearted devotionals. One night, I was deep into the YouTube vortex when I came across a video of a Harvard student who was reading one book every week for an entire year.
Huh. It’s been a while since I sat down to read a book for my own pleasure, not just to pass time on a long road trip or to mindlessly write an essay. So, with four weeks until I launch for the WorldRace, I decided to give it a shot. I made a goal to read four books until launch.
Then it happened.
After finishing my first book in three days, I decided to get a head start on the next one on the list, Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. This book has become a mirror, a new vehicle in which I can analyze myself and my faith.
I am not avoiding the silence because I don’t want to see the Lord… I’m avoiding it because I don’t want to see myself.
I have been hiding behind my work for at least the last four years. Definitely more, if I’m honest. In highschool, I hid behind sports. Then I found my identity in photography so, I hid myself behind my camera. In the early years of college, I hid behind false security in relationships. Then I hid myself behind a computer editing any film project I could get my hands on… then I graduated and I find myself hiding from the silence.
I have always been hiding from myself and that has left me ankle deep in thick, dark, self-loathing sludge.
Why do I hide? Why do I keep myself from all that the Lord has for me? Why? Why?? WHY?!?!
There is no one to blame but myself and that sinks me even further, knee-deep in the dark liquid that’s swallowing me up, inch by inch. How do I get out of this cycle of self-hatred?
Step 1 : Pray. I asked the Lord to show me areas in my life that have been overcome by darkness and He, so kindly, brought a few abandoned relationships to mind. Relationships that were torn apart because of my self-loathing, my misplaced identity.
Step 2 : Write down what the Lord speaks to you. I made a list of what the Lord told me.
Step 3 : Pray for what action must take place and write it down. I asked the Lord to show me what to do with the list of relationships that I had jotted down. Together, with my Heavenly Father, I made another list of what I needed to apologize and ask forgiveness for.
Step 4 : Baby steps towards making a change. I started reaching out to my old friends one by one and admitting my wrongness. I told them I was hiding and that the Lord has been showing me why I was hiding and they responded really well! Some asking for forgiveness regarding similar feelings and some of those broken relationships have been healed by the Lord’s grace.
Admitting the wrong decisions, taking responsibility, and asking for forgiveness are active steps to take the wheels off the cycle of self-loathing.
James 4:10 “Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up.”
Humility is the rope that will pull you out of the sludge. Embrace the silence. Run to it. Because that is where the Lord is, in the still small voice.
“The only way through the emptiness is stillness: staring at that deep wound unflinchingly. You can’t outrun anything… All you can do is show up in the stillness.” Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect, p. 93.
