At launch last week we received a key necklace and a handwritten note. The key, similar to that of Giving Keys, read a word that had been prayed over by leadership and the note was filled with wisdom and encouragement for this next season from our mobilizer, turned squad leader, Emily. My card spoke of peace and how I can learn to submit all my worries at the feet of the lord and my key read ‘faith’. When I saw the card I couldn’t help but to laugh. Peace is something that I have always sought out and has recently been spoken over me on many different occasions. Having dealt with anxiety for quite a long time it is something I’ve searched endlessly for, but have been so reluctant to find. I’ve searched for this seemingly allusive peace in reading, in yoga and meditation, and even in medication, but it was never something that I thought I could bring to the Lord or seek out spiritually because of the shame I felt from it. Within the past couple of years anxiety had become something that I was more struggling with on a daily basis rather than simply dealing with on occasion. Leading up to training camp I had almost fully convinced myself that I was not cut out for this and that I would be a burden to my squad mates if I were to go through with it. After all, I had tried looking for the answers in scripture and everywhere else but never felt the truth of any of it.
Despite the anxious thoughts in my head that I would not be able to do the world race or ever feel at peace, I finally felt a peace unlike I had ever experienced before at training camp. The whole ten days of camp were an emotional roller coaster, being so completely excited about going one second and the next second being certain that I was not cut out for any of it. All throughout the ten days people continually spoke over me that I had such a peace about me and frustration continued to build over the fact that people saw a peace in me that I never felt. Eventually I got to a point where I had decided that I was going to do the World Race if not to just simply prove to myself that I could, still wishing however, that I had peace about the decision and that I could just embrace the verses of peace and faith in God that I had so often repeated in my head. On the seventh night of camp as I was going to sleep I had a dream of myself sitting on a hillside overlooking the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. Sitting with my pack on and my Bible in hand, I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me and Jesus came and sat down next to me with a pack on his back and Chacos on his feet. He spoke so clearly and said, “We’re doing this, together.” Wow. Even looking back on this two months later chills wash over me and a smile comes to my face. This was the first time that I felt a true peace, one that can only be received from God himself. Since training camp it’s not to say that I haven’t felt moments of anxiety and complete and utter doubt in my abilities, but it’s the fact that I can look back on that moment and have faith remembering where my peace comes from.
So at launch when I received a card that spoke of peace and a key that read faith, it was a moment of putting two and two together. An idea so simple, that without faith that my God can handle me at my worst and most afraid times and that I need only to have true faith in Him, had such a compounding and everlasting effect. He is showing me that to feel the freedom and the weightlessness that I felt that night at training camp I need to not just verbally say that I have faith in him, but to actually live that out in my day to day life. As I launched for the World Race this past week, I am beginning to embrace this message at every chance I get. To be so far from home and away from all my usual comforts would have been an anxiety trigger before, but with this key on as a reminder to walk in faith and with God reminding me that he will always refill my peace, I know that I am safe. Turns out that this key and note are some of the most telling things I could have received. To walk big and make big changes in Gods kingdom I have to let go of my control and worries. With big faith comes big peace.
