Today I ran across a message written in my journal from month three of my race. Some of you may not know this, but during my time overseas, I lost my Nana, who was very dear to me. My grief from losing her was immense, and it was especially painful since I couldn’t be sure she was in Heaven; I wasn’t sure what she had believed in when her time came. This sorrow led me into a whole weekend of anger and questioning with God. I suddenly couldn’t imagine His judgement to be good if someone I loved could possibly be condemned to eternal misery. So I came to the Lord with my questions, and He was so faithful to answer me. After reading a book on the subject and spending many hours in prayer and scripture, the Holy Spirit led me to this conclusion, written in a lengthy, but life-changing message. As I read and re-read it, I’m more and more surprised that it was my hand that wrote this journal entry. Here it is:
“Lord, this has been really hard to swallow. You know. But this gentle God who sat with me this whole weekend, patiently and quietly leading me and giving me rest, well, He’s the same as the God I read about all weekend – The wrathful, avenging Judge of the Earth. You are not just the loving, sweet, unforceful God I’ve had experiences with. Your word says so many things about the just, punishing part of Your character. But you aren’t just that either. You are so much more vast than I could ever understand. You are merciful yet just, gentle yet powerful, kind yet punishing, loving yet hateful of sin. I may not understand you, or even agree with or like your ways of justice… but I am not the judge. I am not the creator of good and evil. Just because humanity sinned and gained the knowledge of evil (which we gained by doingsomething evil: by eating from that very tree you forbid us from) doesn’t mean we get to define it. I don’t want to trust my own moral compass – God, I want to trust Yours. You are God. Your ways are infinitely higher than mine, your thoughts are infinitely higher.
So yes. I believe in the God of the Bible, and if I do, then that means I believe in the God who sends those who don’t believe in Him to hell. I believe in the God who loves the righteous and hates the wicked. I believe in the God who flooded the Earth and killed nearly every human being on its grounds. I believe in the God who slaughtered children in Egypt. I believe in the God who destroyed cities for their evil ways. I believe in the God who condemns the people who rejected Him into the eternal fire, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
But most importantly, I believe in the God who saved the world from that fate. I believe in the God who became flesh, who took on all of our sin and the entirety of God’s wrath by dying an awful death. I believe in the God who tasted judgement, death, and hell Himself, but came out VICTORIOUS. I believe in the God who defeated death once and for all! Who paid the price for everyone in the world, who gave salvation to all who would accept it.
So I can be mad at the fate God has laid out for evil people. And I still have so many questions about it; who He sends there and why it must be so harsh… but I know I will never have all the answers. I know that God is truth. What is true is not determined by my opinion. I will not let my opinions determine what I have believed and known to be true. And I will not pick and choose which parts of God’s story and character I believe in – either the whole Bible is true, or none of it is. And I have seen time and time again that it is true. That the Lord is good, that His steadfast love endures forever. My heart has found fulfillment, inexplicable fulfillment, in His promises and His ways and His commands and His friendship. I have known Him and loved Him. It’s hard to realize someone you thought you knew has a whole other side, a completely different one than what you’ve always seen and loved. But God, you didn’t hide Your justice from me. I have just been choosing to ignore it. I’m the one who has been refusing to know and love You fully, for all that You are. I haven’t been loving You with all my heart, mind, and soul, because I’ve made reservations about a whole aspect of Your character.
So God. This knowledge of hell – this awful place, that so many people I love are on track to end up – (wow. Pausing there because that…hurts) Lord, let it fuel my passion to share the path to salvation. God, I refuse to keep sharing only half of the gospel. There is so little depth to the story when I only talk about the good. Yes, your death on the cross makes this life so much more joyful. It means I can have a relationship with God Himself, it means I’m never alone. It means I’m forgiven – but the value of forgiveness is nothing unless people know what it would mean if they were not forgiven.It would mean they’d have to stand in front of the Judge, right after they take their final breath, and have only the actions of their life, their works, what they’ve made of themselves, determine their eternity. And no matter how kind they were, how much charity work they did, how much success they had in their career, none of the things they could ever have done would be enough to save them. Without accepting Jesus as Savior, they are inevitably condemned to eternal torment. If they reject Jesus’ help on Earth, they’ve subsequently rejected His help on the day of Judgement. And without Jesus on that day, we are all doomed. He is the only perfect one. What we put before the Creator of the Universe, the Holy One, must be perfect. He is worthy of nothing less. And we are all less than perfect. It is only by the miracle of Jesus that we could ever be made perfect before a perfect Father.
And the amazing part is this: Jesus’s work on the cross was for all of us. We have ALL been invited to accept His forgiveness. And I can’t belittle Him and lie about what it takes to receive this glorious gift. It’s not just a sinner’s prayer, a simple acceptance. The Lord deserves a heart that truly gets the weight of it. And the only way someone could properly hold it is someone who has laid down everything that was formerly in their hands and acknowledged that it’s worthless. It requires getting on one’s knees. It takes bowing their head, making their brain lowly, physically, so they can recognize how much higher the thoughts of the Lord’s are. It takes submission, full submission of the body and the mind and the heart. And the only way the heart-mending properties of the gospel can work is if the heart has been broken for their sins. This process of receiving I’m describing is repentance. How can we accept a Savior if we haven’t recognized we need saving? How can we be washed by His blood if we don’t see that we’re dirty? How can we put on His pure white robes if we don’t take off our old garments? We can’t. We’d only receive part of the experience, because we’d only be changed on the outside. Our hearts would still be rotting. We can’t be resurrected from the dead if we have not died to our sins. We cannot have the new life if we keep living in the old.
I think this is why so many people who are Christian are lukewarm. What can they expect? If they receive Him in a lukewarm way originally, they’ll only continue receiving Him in a lukewarm way; until they realize how RADICAL this transformation is supposed to be! So many Christians have yet to experience God in big ways, and that’s because they only know Him to be small! They’ve reduced Him to a man who gave good advice for their life, which comes up every once in a while through empty prayers, weekly Bible studies, and Sunday church services. HE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! Jesus was a RADICAL man! I don’t know what Jesus they’ve met if they can continue living the same life they lived before meeting Him. He calls us to DIE to our old self. Have they heard Him say that? Have they heard Him say to give up all we have and follow Him? Have they heard Him say it is the poor and lowly and sick who are blessed, and the rich are much more likely to go to hell than to enter Heaven? If they have, WHAT ARE THEY DOING IGNORING IT?! Either they have heard it and have denied it to be true – in other words, they have relaxed the commandments, something not taken lightly in the kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 5:19) – or they believe it to be true and knowingly sin – which condemns them to hell (Hebrews 10:26-27).
So… now I understand why it’s so bad to be lukewarm. Lukewarm Christians belittle God. And His commands. They either believe in a false God, one who they believe loves their wealth and their worldly ways, or they know who He is and deny Him. They either commit themselves to false Gods, which God commands us not to do time and time again in the Bible, or they deny Him – which He says leads to Jesus denying them before the Father (Luke 12:9). Just because they are disguising themselves as people who love God, doesn’t mean their hearts have actually accepted Him. No… they are still rotting inside, even though they look so good on the outside (Matthew 23:27).
Before this realization, an eternity of agony seemed like a really harsh punishment for someone who accepted Jesus and just didn’t follow Him fully. But now I see that, that is not the case. it’s impossible to fully receive His promises and not be changed. Being changed IS one of His promises. So really, have they accepted Christ? And if they have, they are knowingly living a life of sin. Just because it’s not as seemingly evil to us as murder or adultery, it is still sin agains the Almighty, Perfect, and Holy God. They put Him on a low pedestal, and exalt money, the opinions of man, and honestly themselves, above HIM. The only treatment acceptable is to put Him first. He is PERFECT, He is WORTHY OF ALL PRAISE. And in fact, the very first of the Ten Commandments is that we do not put anything above Him. It is the most important of all – to break that command is not a small thing. And lukewarm Christians so offensively break that rule by pretending to put Him first, while really being slaves to other masters. The great commandment is to love God with all your heart and all your mind and all your strength. Being lukewarm surely is not that.”
This is hard, hard truth.
As Easter quickly approaches, I urge you to ask yourself the question: have I truly accepted Christ into my heart, and subsequently, my life? No matter your answer, Christ’s sacrifice is for you. The promise of forgiveness and so much more; it is for you. And all you have to do is receive it: repent and believe. And watch your life change as you put off your old self and receive the new.
After all of this, I want to share the amazing goodness He displayed the very same day I wrote this journal entry. After wrestling with Him for days and finally surrendering to this truth, the Lord told me the most beautiful news. It is news that I absolutely did not deserve to hear. I feel He said to me: “I have your grandmother.” Wow. WOW. After all of this doubt and uncertainty, He comforted me: I believe He was telling me that He had led her to faith and salvation, and thus, eternal life in Him. While I am not the judge, and I ultimately do not know whether my grandma was saved or not, I have no doubt that this was possible. He could have moved in Her heart within her last two weeks. Either way, I trust the destination of her eternity to the perfect judge. But through the hope of my grandmother’s salvation, He reminded me so personally that He is MERCIFUL. He is merciful, AND He is just. Jesus, by the cross, has paid the debt of all sin. He came to save sinners – the world, the people I love, and me included – to bring peace not just to those who are near, but also to those who are far. And THAT is amazing news.
Loving you close,
Claire
