Hi friends. It has now been approximately 10 months since my squad and I were sent home from the World Race. The time between then and now has been a really difficult transition, and I think now would be a good time for me to share where the Lord has brought me through it all.
In March of 2020, my friends and I were abruptly rushed out of Costa Rica and sent home. After only spending two weeks there, and expecting to have two more months to go, it was hard to even understand what was going on. We shared rushed and confused goodbyes. We grieved forced and unexpected endings. We feared the life we were about to return to and had not been prepared for at all. There was no closure.
I spent the next two months in deep processing with the Lord about all of this. There was so much that happened in that sudden ending, and that was only one grain of sand in the vast dunes of experiences that He had just walked me through. The Lord had transformed me completely. He taught me more in those seven months than the sum of everything I had learned before. I felt like I was tasting life for the first time. Getting to seek Him without the distractions of normal life, to constantly receive and give His love in new ways, and to learn and grow with 40 other passionate believers… it was life-changing. So, during the months of quarantine, I spent hours everyday journaling, praying, and processing through all that the Lord had shown me through the experience.
But life eventually went on and dragged me with it. I worked at summer camp a few weeks later and then afterwards I went to college. Even though I had tried to process, I couldn’t help but feel depressed about where I was and the life I now had to accept. After traveling the world, adventuring, and serving the Lord day in and day out, sitting in my room taking online classes felt absolutely meaningless. I missed my friends. I missed the excitement of new people, places, and things. I missed feeling like I had purpose and life and joy. But really, I was just hanging on to what I knew deep down was gone and I could never get back. I felt like nothing would ever compare to it. And that made my everyday life, and even my hopes for the future, feel dull and hopeless.
Being that upset for that long after the World Race had ended, I realize now, was not healthy, but it seems pretty common among racers. And I think I realize why it happened, atleast for me. It’s because I was idolizing it. I was giving credit for my happiness to the thing, the experience, rather than the Lord who led me on it. And I was forgetting that the same God who made that experience so wonderful is also here with me now, holding out His hand for more. He is a Father who looooves giving good gifts, and He gives them in abundance. It’s so easy to get stuck in discontentment and self-pity when I base my life off of where I am or who I’m with or what I’m doing. The things of this world will always disappoint. But my joy is dependent on the One who never leaves and never changes. And with Him, it’s never downhill; it’s always up. With Him, there’s always more.
But even though I knew those words to be true during those first months of college, it was still hard to believe them. And I felt so incredibly guilty for that. I was mad at myself for being unhappy. “I should have joy, right?”, I kept telling myself. “This shouldn’t be affecting me so much…God should be enough. He should be enough, Claire; what are you doing wrong?” These self-deprecating thoughts fogged my brain and made it even harder to find the authentic joy of the Lord. My own voice of scolding was drowning out the compassionate, loving, gentle voice of the Holy Spirit.
Something beautiful ended up happening through these months of sadness. The Lord had slowed me down, put me in a situation that made me feel sad and alone, and gave me no choice but to sit with Him in it. I had no one else around me who knew what I was going through. I had nothing fun to do. And I had no motivation to go out and serve the Lord like I wished I did. My fears of ending up unhappy, useless, and unpleasing to Him were seemingly being realized. And you know what His voice sounded like in that time?
Love.
The sweetest love I’d ever heard or tasted. And you know why? Because I was finally forced to let my heart receive it in a time when it was broken. And I finally realized what’s so good about this love: It is So. Un. Deserved.
I’d always tried to keep up a list of reasons for Him to love me. Especially when I was on the mission field. But here I was, empty and lonely and incapable of distracting from the truth: I am nothing. My efforts to please are futile, because my heart is still empty after all my running and doing and proving. So He rid my life of tasks, sat me down, and let me hear His heartbeat in stillness. And wow. His heart was beating for me in deep, compassionate love. And that’s what filled my empty heart. Even when I had nothing but a list of broken things to offer. I am loved, no matter how I feel, what I do, or even who I am. At my lowest, He loves me. When I do nothing for Him, when all I do is sit and complain and cry…He loves me. He understands what I’m going through and He meets me with loving tenderness. He doesn’t scold, and He doesn’t force me to get myself together, go out there and tell the world I’m great and He’s great, when I don’t really feel it. I don’t have to fake a smile and call it praise. I can be broken and contrite, and come to Him to feel comfort. He cares for my actual heart. I realized He didn’t expect or need anything from me. I could be real, raw, and distraught, and His love would fill the spaces I could not.
The Lord so sweetly timed this revelation of love, because I have felt so alone in this season. The only people who I felt like I related to were all over the country, and because of Covid, I had few opportunities to meet new people where I was. So I facetimed my world race friends nearly every single day, trying desperately to pretend like we were still living the same lives together and they could still be my source of community and friendship. But sometimes it made me feel even more alone, since it would make me miss them and the life we got to share so gosh dang much, and since calling reminded me how far away we were from eachother and how long it might be until I would actually get to enjoy their presence again. I needed someone to hug me and be with me and remind me what human love felt like, but we were no longer in a season where we could really do that for eachother.
And that brings me to where I am today. As I look back on these past few months, I realize I’ve been refusing to move on. And finally…I think…I’m ready to.
I can choose to fully live my life at this college (Yeehaw Texas A&M baby!). I can choose to believe in what the Lord promised me when He called me here, and trust that since it’s where I’m meant to be, it is good. I can choose to put myself out there and make new friends, and believe that they will be wonderful (Even if I didn’t meet them overseas in a setting of radical Christian community, they can still become that to me). And I can trust that my friendships that did come from the race are special and strong enough to last a lifetime, even if we only get to call and see eachother every once and a while. I can choose to thank the Lord for the gifts He has given me in the past and let them build my trust in His goodness to come. I can choose to believe that He has plans for me, plans for a hope and a future, and walk forward in the faith that they are even better than anything I’ve ever experienced. I can choose to put my faith in the Lord, not in my circumstances and not in my works. And even when I fail, I can always always always choose to receive His love.
So here I am, saying farewell. The world race was an amazing experience, and I’m so thankful for the life-long friendships and lessons that came from it. But I’m going to take them and walk forward now, knowing there is so much more in store.
“But, as it is written, ‘No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him'”. 1 Corinthians 2:9
Thank you all for following my journey and the aftermath of it all. Loving you close,
Claire (Izzy) Burton
