I never understood the phrase "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place", but as the World Race is quickly coming to an end I feel like that is the best way to describe how I feel. The rock would be the race for me. The race has been all I have known for the past 10 months. It has become my way of life. My norm. What I knew before is fading and now my memories consist of riding crowded buses in Africa, looking into the eyes of a child and seeing hope, preaching the message in Haiti, teaching English, and having sweet moments with my Father. So could this be the norm when I go home? Simple. No. I will be back in an air-conditioned house (yes I forgot what that feels like), sleeping in a queen size bed by myself, and having wifi in every room. I will not have to worry about what I will eat each day and I won't be getting a setup sheet explaining our ministry each month. I will rarely hear a language other than English being spoken and I will finally get to feel like a girl again. I will get to drink water from the tap, heck even from the door of the fridge. Ice will be available and water will be free every where you go (well except Sonic). I will get to go for a run by myself, I'll be able to go ANYWHERE by myself. So is home the hard place? It doesn't sound that hard for you maybe. Maybe this is the way you live your life every day. And let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with that. We are blessed to have what we have and I feel humbled to have gotten to experience how other people live. I lived with a young couple in Cambodia that had to use water from a bucket to shower, sleep on a mattress on the floor, and sit on the ground to eat every meal. I haven't seen a couple that happy in a long time. They saw their blessings and loved their life in their tree house and I loved living life with them. When you have seen things like this, met people like this, things change, you change. And that's what I did. I changed. I changed with each starving child I saw on the streets. I changed with each church service lasting 4 hours long. I changed with each worship session. I changed meeting hosts that have truly been persecuted for their faith and have still not given up. I changed with each sermon I heard in 10 different languages. I changed with each smile, each hug, each acceptance of Christ. My rock is now moving away from me. Has the race become my security? Has the race become my net? My blanket? Is home an expectation? Is home real? What is home? Home is where my pack is for a month, a week, however long. Expectations are left at the door, yet I still carry them with me. I have gotten used to the race, carrying toilet paper in my purse, having my nalgene with me every where I go, wearing my chacos every day for any occasion, preparing sermons, showering once a week maybe twice if we've been working outside a lot, not caring whatsoever about what my hair looks like, if my outfit matches, or if I have makeup on. When I go back home these things will be forgotten. These things will only be memories of another season, another time when life was unexpected and things were a little bit harder. I have no idea what home looks like. Home used to be what I knew, but now home is only a memory. Home can not be the same because I'm not the same. So where do I belong? The season is ending for the race and a new season will begin. My hard place. I will leave the comfort of my rock that I have stood on so well for 11 months and drift over to the hard place of home and the unknown. I fear I will be a stranger amongst friends, fail to meet the expectation of my supporters with the stories I share, and most of all listen to the lie that I'm not changed and settle back into the comfort that I abandoned for these 11 months. But I am changed. My stories will always be important because they are what God did. My friendships may change but only in the way that the Lord could orchestrate. So here I am, stuck in the middle between a rock a and hard place. Right now I don't need to move, but I know that reality is things will change and I will not be stuck anymore.
