It has been two months since I stepped off the plane and back on to American soil. I don’t think I could have been prepared for what it’s been like being back. I mean sure we had several sessions about re-entry, but of course you can’t put in the human factor because let’s be honest, we’re all different. Last year I lived in intense community with men and women that became like family to me. They saw me at my best and worst. They saw me in real rawness and total surrender. To say the least, I learned a lot about love last year.
I learned how to love the people that robbed us in Haiti, to love team members, to love our hosts, to love the lost, to love the broken, to love the Lord, and I learned how to love myself. I don’t know if I really loved “me” before I left for the race. I guess a part of me thought the race was a chance for me to branch out, to really learn something and be challenged. I thought if I walked through the fire of refinement and went through the trials that, I don’t know, I would finally be able to be the person that I felt like I could be, the person I felt that the Lord wanted me to be. After I stepped down from leadership at the beginning of month nine, something happened to me. It was like I started a new race. I learned it’s not all about the trials, it’s not all about the fire, sometimes it’s just about the love. I learned how to accept love from others in the last 3 months and in turn accept the love that my Father was trying to tell me for the previous months of the race. He put me exactly where I needed to be as a team leader, a squad leader, and finally a team member. I walked through the fire of refinement and I did face trials of many kinds, but when I think about the question, “what’s your biggest takeaway from last year”, it all comes down to love.
In Malawi I knew the Lord was preparing for something when I got home. I knew that it had to do with ministry but I didn’t feel like it would be abroad. He kept speaking confidence in me to step out and do something that wouldn’t be easy, or, I guess seem like the easy way. It would be something that would go beyond my comfort zone and put me once again in a place where I was in complete reliance of Him.
Having this kind of mindset and entering the “1st world” again was hard. I didn’t know how to put the two together. My mindset had changed, my relationship with the Lord had changed, and the way I saw myself had changed. It was like trying to put two puzzle pieces together from compeltely different puzzles. It just wasn’t happening. I felt myself drifiting away. I was becoming complacent and I was silent. I lost this voice that the Lord had given me over the race. A voice that brought comfort, that carried wisdom and discernment and was spoken with confidence. It disappeared. I wanted my voice back but I felt trapped, suffocated, like I couldn’t speak. I tried to look for jobs that would interest me. I thought about seminary more seriously. I even applied for a job at a university that I thought would be perfect. There’s that word, “perfect”. I didn’t want a job that was perfect. I just wanted to feel like me again.
During Searchlight at the end of August, I was able to connect with my squad again, we worshipped together and listened to amazing speakers that really helped me organize the chaos that was happening in my head. I was sitting in a breakout session and I was told, “you have all these things you can do, opportunitities that you have, you just have to pick one”. I guess I thought at the time, easier said than done, but when I heard that there were positions available at Adventures in Missions, it was like that’s it. That’s what I needed to pick. Of course I battled with it for a while. I never wanted to be the one support raising for my job. I mean I’m 26, isn’t it time for me to grow up and support myself? Isn’t it funny how much the world can affect our decisions that we know are spiritual? I was offered a position in the admissions department that I humbly accepated and I will begin work in Gainesville, GA on October 28th.
I didn’t think I would end up there, but then again the Lord did telll me that I would end up doing something I couldn’t even imagine or expect. I guess that’s just the way He works. So now I’m back to the place of full reliance on the Lord. He has already provided amazing roommates, and hopefully an apartment, a car, and a way to move all of my stuff 3 states away. I know that He will provide the support that I will need this year as well. It’s time to accept the love.
I am so blessed to have had the support last year both financially and in prayer, and as hard as it is to ask again, I am. I ask that you will pray for how to support me in this new adventure, calling, and ministry. I am so thankful for anything that you can offer, especially your prayers. If you would like to support me financially you can click the “support” link on my blog and donate online. Thank you again for following my blog and keeping me in your prayers. The Lord is doing great things and I know it’s just the beginning. If you have any questions or want to know more please feel free to message or e-mail me!
