Things I’ve lost in Haiti…
My wallet…my passport…my jewelry…my Bible…one of my journals…my purse…my yellow vaccination card…my exit visa…a bandanna…my credit cards…my money…
…my fear…my reservations…my lack of confidence…my unwillingness to listen to the Spirit…my shame to dance in the street…my shame to sing on the rooftop…hatred…harbored anger…selfishness…the idea that I need something good to happen in my life to praise God…
This month has been one that I know I will look back on at the end of the race and praise the Lord. Last month I was so encouraged. God revealed so many of the gifts that He has blessed me with. I was so uplifted and so excited to go into another month. I guess somewhere deep inside my heart I thought that this month would continue to uplift me and bring no real trials. I expected only good. Our second week in Haiti I was truly tested in a way I’ve never been tested before. If you’ve read my last blog you know exactly what I’m talking about. There is nothing like feeling that your safety is gone and someone else knows the intimate details of your life. I felt betrayed and in a place of anger. At those moments we have two options:
- Hate everyone around you, give up, and decide that you’re only going to count down the days until you leave.
- Get angry, have a long talk with God (sometimes lasting more than a day), cry a lot, heal, let the Lord teach you something through it all
It was so tempting to go with option number one. All I wanted to do was go into every house on our street and demand my stuff back…what would that have done? I chose to love. I chose to forgive. I chose to have joy. I got to a point where I was talking to God and just telling Him, ok can I just please have something good…just let one thing good happen today. I was praying that night at one of the churches we have been working with and as I was journaling I realized, what right do I have to ask for anything good? I mean look at Job. Job was in a place of turmoil and misery and he still praised God. So, what is the lesson to be learned? Even amongst the trials that we face and the struggles we have, God is still there. God still has a hand in it. God still LOVES YOU. Yes, this month has had its ups and downs, but I know in the end I will look on this month with joy in my heart because God has used this month to reveal things about my life and give me courage to get my stuff out on the table so I can be real, raw, and honest with God and the people around me. There is freedom in surrender. There is peace that comes with letting go. There is love that appears with release.
