I have said the “Our Father” prayer for as long as I can remember. Growing up in the Catholic Church, it is one of those things that is imprinted on your brain at an early age. I said it growing up like it was a reflex. Sure I know it by heart, but I have never really taken time to really figure out what it means to me. In Matthew, Christ tells us that this is the way that we should pray. If you really take time to break this prayer down, I think you will probably be pretty amazed like I was.
I realized for most of my life I was praying, asking God to forgive me of my sins, but realizing that I wasn’t forgiving others that had wronged me. How can I ask God to forgive me when I can’t even forgive my brothers and sisters? Trust me, having this realization sucked! I mean here I am squad leading for this incredible trip sharing the gospel and bringing Kingdom to the nations and I can’t even forgive people that have hurt my feelings or taken a piece of my heart in the past.
Last month was a hard month for me. It was a month of transition, and as silly as it seems, I thought that everything was going to be so different. I thought maybe God would lighten up a little bit, take it easy so I could really focus on pouring into the squad and being there for them. From pretty much the first week I realized that God was trying to pull something out of me, there was something that I was supposed to lay out on the table and I wasn’t letting it go. Back in Haiti, one of the girls on our squad told me during one of our prophecy nights that I was hardening my heart and God didn’t want that anymore, He wanted to see all of it, and I needed to show all of it. At the time, I had no idea what she was talking about. I didn’t feel like I was hardening my heart in any way. I thought I was in a pretty great place honestly.
It took me a month and a half to finally listen to what God was trying to tell me. I realized I was hardening my heart towards others. I have had to mourn a lot of friendships and relationships in my life that have ended for one reason or another. I have always known that I have a sensitive heart and feel things in an almost exaggerated way, but coming to the realization that I never really worked through all of the hurt that I have felt by others slapped me across the face. I never realized that I have judged others and put people, especially men, in this box of who I think they can/should be and won’t let them out of my expectations for them. I hold grudges, have bitterness built up, and still feel the sting of pain in my heart. I wish I could say that I have this brilliant answer of why it’s so hard for me to forgive and forget, but I don’t yet. As I’ve learned this year, everything is a process.
So, I am walking through this process of getting vulnerable with God and the community that I’ve surrounded myself with, even with everyone that is reading this right now. This is something that I would have been too ashamed to admit in the past, but isn’t that just like us Christians, we think we have to hide our sins and the things that we are walking in just because we have fears and lies built up in our head. Well take it from someone that has had a lot of eye-opening moments in the past 4 and a half months, there is nothing more beautiful to the Lord then seeing YOU completely. So my encouragement, stop hiding. Be who you are. Walk through your stuff. Know that you have a God that has grace and shows mercy. He loves you and me no matter what and I know that He is walking right beside me in this. He continues to teach me through His word. So I will look to Him, His character, His life, His sacrifice, and what I see is a Savior that knows what I’m going through and is the perfect teacher.
I know I will get to the place of being able to forgive those who have laughed in my face, torn me down, and destroyed my confidence. The Lord has built me up this year. I have grown in my confidence in Him and the things that He can do, therefore I have grown in confidence in myself. I know the things of my past have shaped me into who I am today. I also know that without the hurt I wouldn’t have sought out the Lord in the ways that I did. I was recently reading Genesis and the story of Joseph. At the end of the book, Joseph is talking to his brothers who sold him into slavery which led to a series of unfortunate events for Joseph in Egypt, but the great thing was as his brothers were down on their knees begging for forgiveness, Joseph just looked at them and said, “It wasn’t you who sent me here, but God”. Joseph could see the good even through the trials and persecution he faced. He could see that God had a plan for him no matter what. The great thing is, now I know that God really does have a plan for me. He has already turned me into the leader that I never imagined I could be. That’s just like Him. He sees things in us that we can’t see in ourselves. My God is faithful. He is mighty. I know that through this process I will continue along with the plan that He’s established. There are many more lessons to learn and many more things that will come out through it all, but I’m excited to see Him continue to work knowing that it’s nothing of me but all Him and His power.
Romans 5:3-5
