Standing among my peers in worship was one of my favorite parts of training camp. Our ministry leaders operated in a mannerism similar to a river- they just went with the flow. Sometimes they would lead the participants in a quiet song of worship, sometimes we would yell the words up to God, and sometimes the individuals would each sing a separate song of whatever was on their hearts. People would stand, sit, even lay on the ground if the Lord led them to. Worship wasn’t about singing in pitch or impressing your neighbor, but connecting with the Lord. If we felt led to pray over someone, then we would. If we felt led to speak, then we would. If the Lord said be still, then we would. It was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had in my entire life.
The Bible mentions how God created everything in seven days, but it never discussed how the Lord could change a person in ten. My peers and I came with uncertainty, doubt, and even fear about the World Race. I spent my first few days isolating myself because I was so overwhelmed and afraid of community, so scared of being disappointed or let down that I pushed my teammates away. I thought I didn’t belong on the Race, that the Lord had made a mistake and that I should have gone to college. The enemy threw every lie and fear he could upon my back, and the only thing that kept me from losing my mind was the quiet power of the Lord. Training camp was full of many happy and silly memories, but it mentally dragged me through the mud. I had to rely on God to sustain me in every moment of every day because I had nothing else. All of the comforts of home were gone, but the Lord never left my side.
First, the Lord carried me out of isolation. As much as I wanted to be a solo artist in my squad’s boy band (metaphorically speaking), Jesus pointed me to something better. I began to invest in the people around me and find my place in this new community. Our squad of forty-seven grew from random strangers to a traveling church, and I found a new home. I can honestly say that I love and care about each person joining me on this adventure, and I can’t wait to head out in September.
Then, God opened me up to all the different ways that He can be seen. For most of my life I have been taught a lot of similar principles about God, certain way to know and understand our Father who art in heaven. At training camp, I learned how to see God in everything, even in a simple drawing. I began to take every opportunity to share His love with the people around me, to pray over them and point them to Jesus. The set rules I had grown up with broke down, showing me that our Lord breaks every boundary and chain to be with His people, even if it seems a little weird.
Finally, I learned to love the people I was going to serve, the ones awaiting my squad in each country. My eyes were opened to the religions these people worship, why they trust in their gods and how we should approach discussions. I was exposed to the dangers and strife in the countries I will be going to, and my squad prayed continuously over each one. I heard stories and saw pictures of people very different than me, women willing to be beaten by their husbands every day because they choose Jesus. I learned about my own sacrifice, and how it pales in comparison to theirs. As much as this trip has (and will) change my life, it isn’t a personal trip. This is a kingdom mission to share crazy Jesus love with people across the world. All I am is the vessel chosen to go.
Even so, the Lord desires a deep and personal relationship with all of His people, including myself. On July 19th we had our last worship session for training camp. By this point I had grown in my little community, and loved seeing them worship together to the Lord. In the middle of the song, a speaker came up on stage. Abigail (one of my leaders) told us about how the Lord showed her in a dream these Godly soldiers, that His people were mighty and could count on God to always be by their side. It was a beautiful dream, but it brought up a deep question:
“Lord, will you be there for me on this trip?”
It seemed like a stupid question. Abigail had just said that the Lord will be with us (for we were the mighty soldiers), we have been learning about God’s faithfulness all week, even the Bible says, “I will not leave you or forsake you”. Everything pointed to God’s faithfulness, yet I still had to ask:
“Lord, will you be there for me on this trip?”
In the midst of worship I closed my eyes, and the Lord began to show me something. Memories began to dance across my eyelids, each showing a different moment of my life. I saw myself playing as a little girl, an adult graduating, a lonely middle-schooler, all memories out of order but with one thing in common: every memory showed Jesus.
There were memories of Jesus laughing as He watched me play, Jesus holding me as I cried, Jesus crying the first time I did self harm, and Jesus’s proud face when I got baptized. There were Christmases and playing outside and moments of heart break and in EVERY SINGLE ONE there was Jesus. In all my life I have never known anyone who was there for so much, and I felt more loved in that moment than I had ever known before. The Lord was always there before, and He won’t leave me now.
As tears filled my eyes and my tongue choked on the music, I opened my eyes again. The room had slightly shifted since before I shut my eyes. All around me people had pressed closer together. There was one gap in the crowd, and it was directly to my left. Jesus was right there. I couldn’t see Him, but I just knew that He had chosen in that moment to stand next to me. As the room rose in worship I dropped my left hand down and prayed a small prayer. I said, “Lord, if you’re there, will you squeeze my hand.” In that moment all I wanted was the King of kings to hold my hand, and I closed my eyes again.
Suddenly, a person ran into me from the left and wrapped me in a big hug. I looked to see my teammate Hannah say, “The Lord just told me to come over and hug you, and to let you know that He loves you.” All I wanted was the Lord to hold my hand, and He sent His daughter to give me a hug. My heart melted away frozen doubt and was warmed by faith from the Papa in the skies. My eyes leaked so many tears of joy that I raised my hands unashamed and praised the Lord.
It could have been a coincidence, but I think the Lord knew what He was doing. There were many moments like that at training camp, random occurrences that happened to match up with what the Lord was telling me in that moment. I have so many wonderful stories to tell from these ten days, too many for one blog post. All I can say is that the Lord is ever-present, ever-working, and everything I’ll ever need, even to the ends of the Earth.
~CLS
