I was sitting at Starbucks today, drinking an overpriced coffee (the cost of internet connection I guess) and watching the world go by. Its been awhile since I posted a blog so I knew I needed to write something. There are so many topics I could talk about right now, Costa Rica, the ministry I’m working at, my team, my squad, going home (May 31st baby!!), literally ANYTHING was at my disposal. I could talk about so much that is here, and in time I will tell you all of the stories I’ve made in this time.
But, first I need to address something terribly important. Just now I was sifting through my Word Documents (as one does) and I came across a collection of writings. As many of you know, writing is a passion of mine. I always have my phone or a pen/paper with me in case I am suddenly inspired, and I try to write everything that comes to my brain as fast as I can so that I don’t lose it.
Well, it just so happens that last summer I was inspired to write- A LOT. I worked as a shop attendant for my uncles at their sod farm, so when I wasn’t cleaning the shop or answering emails (or shopping for the race), I was writing. Some things were book ideas, others were blogs, but a few were something very different. Hidden in some random folders were some poems I had written, and every single one was tragically depressing. Not one proclaimed the joys of God or how excited I was for the race, because that wasn’t how I was last summer. I was depressed, and anxious, and terrified.
When I first decided to take a gap year, I was so excited!! It was January of 2018, I was a senior in high school, and the race seemed so far away. Then I graduated and spent my summer getting ready and gearing up. I was still so excited, but then the enemy began attacking my joy. “You aren’t qualified to be a missionary”, “What are you doing?”, “This is going to ruin your life; you should be getting ready for school like everyone else” and many more thoughts plagued my brain like a deadly disease. What was I thinking? Still, I fundraised and went to training camp (wrecked by the Lord) and kept getting ready.
Guys, during my last month at home I was a mess. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to do the race and I didn’t want to leave home, and yet I did. Every feeling and impulse was telling me to run so far away from the race and stay at home, but I left anyways.
Why? Because Jesus gave it all for me, so I gave it all for Him.
Oh I was a mess and I wasn’t qualified, and I would’ve been the first to tell you that going on the race was crazy. But you know what? I knew the voice of the Lord, even back then when I was so young and naive. I knew what God was asking me to do, and I knew every other alternative was the wrong choice. Sometimes God gives us a decision in shades of grey, and sometimes its black and white. I knew I had to leave home and bring kingdom to the world, even if it meant I left everything behind to do it.
Friends, do not follow your feelings. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things, and thats where feelings and impulses come from. Don’t just do something because “it feels right”, do something because it IS right. There is a difference between following the voice of God and following yourself, and the difference is the Bible. Know the word, know the one who speaks the word. If you think God is asking you to do something that contradicts His Word (His love letter to us), then don’t do it. That’s how I knew I was called to missions.
Over the last year I have changed. I have taken up a couple of new names- child of God, bride of Christ, best friend of the Holy Spirit- and I give them out to those around me. I rely less on my feelings and more of God’s word, and I am constantly reminded that I can do NOTHING without Him. It was so easy to convince myself that I didn’t need anyone back home, but guys that just isn’t true. I need God, YOU need God, and we all are washed clean by Jesus’s blood. I have seen and experienced things that you’ll never find in the States, and I have learned what it truly means to experience a love beyond description. My mission, and the mission of all those who call themselves Christian, is to share the freedom of the gospel and seek to save the children of God. We all need Jesus, and it took me losing it all to fully understand that truth.
So go. Go talk to that random person about Jesus. Go pray for that woman with a broken leg. Go buy that man lunch and sit with him for awhile. Go encourage that daughter that she is a princess of God (GOD!!! the GOD who created EVERYTHING and EVERYONE calls her a DAUGHTER that is MADE PERFECT in JESUS!!! Like WHAT?!?!!!). Go. If Jesus can make the time to come down here, live a poor life, and die for your sins, then surely you can go tell someone about it. Stop living in pride or self pity, be the free human Jesus died to let you be. When you walk in freedom, it frees others to do the same. So walk in the freedom of being saved from all your junk and your garbage, and let someone else do the same. Go to them, who knows if someone else will.
GO!!
~CLS
