I was born on January 26th, 2000 to a father, a mother, two sisters and a brother. We were never a very connected family, but we all loved each other in our different ways. For the first ten years of my life, I lived in a very big bubble. I thought my life was perfect, that I was the luckiest kid on earth. My family and I lived on a hobby farm with lots of animals and flower beds and an apple orchard, and I loved everything about it. I remember when I was little, how I used to wake up at seven in the morning just because I was so excited to play outside. I would feel the dew of the grass, bite a cool crisp apple from the orchard, and stand in awe of all the beauty around me. It was my home.
But as I focused so acutely on this perfect patch of heaven, I neglected to hear the shouting from inside. I ignored the constant turbulence of my parents as they fought the battle of marriage, and I looked past any of the baggage I felt accumulating in my small heart. While my father was a great man in public, he became another man at home, an angry one with a lot of unfixed hurts. My father has a lot of great traits, but he wasn’t able to be the man I needed him to be. I didn’t know this when I lived in my very big bubble, but his actions were shaping the battles that I would face later in life.
It was a long time coming, but when I was ten my very big bubble finally popped, and I saw that my perfect patch of heaven was really a brutal battleground. I couldn’t deny it anymore; I lived in a broken home.
Time went by, and my parents finally divorced when I was thirteen. During this time my relationship with my father plummeted. Eventually, due to an unfortunate incident, I decided that it was too unsafe to see my father any more. A restraining order was put in place, and I didn’t see him for months. I haven’t had a real relationship with my father for six years.
I had lost so much. My family was in ruins, my patch of heaven was gone, and no one could make the pain go away. During this time I came to a low point of self-harm and wishing that I could die, because I couldn’t see a light in all the darkness. Well friends, if there is one thing that I’ve learned, its that God does his best work in the dark.
I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was four, long before my very big bubble popped. Looking back, I firmly believe that God has been working through me ever since this day. During the divorce, my mother continued to take us kids to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. As I went to church, I remember seeing how the people there were filled with so much joy and peace. At the same time, I was experiencing a hole in my heart that only kids without fathers could understand.
That is, until my heavenly father stepped in. I began to search for the love and peace that my fellow Christians had, and one day i came across a wondrous revelation- God can be my father. He loved me unconditionally, held me in my weakness, disciplined me in mercy, and never gave up on his children. Once I realized that God could fill the hole in my heart, I began to search for Him in everything, and I saw Him everywhere. Over time, God filled the hole in my heart with His love and joy.
I was baptized on August 17th, 2014 with my mom in front of my home church. There was joy and celebration as we were reborn into new lives with Jesus. Since that day, I have served in Washington DC and the Pine Ridge Reservation on two mission trips. I have seen poverty in the midst of monuments, and I have seen community in the wake of pain. I spent two summers working at Rock Ridge Christian Camp and Outfitters in Ely Minnesota, where I learned the definition of Godly community and fellowship. I have great friends and a strong support system that has kept me focused on God. Friends, I have been in the darkness, but my heavenly father was always right there. I still hurt sometimes, but my God, I have come so far, and Jesus has never let me down. God has blessed me more than I ever thought I could be. I have experienced more joy than I ever thought a person could.
This is my story friends, and even though I know the ending is with Jesus, I still can’t wait to see what the next chapters hold.
~CLS
