Audrey Hope.

To get this blog right, you need to know more about me. I know most of you reading this know me well, but most don’t know the depths of me. I’ve been through a lot in my 31 years. More than most go through in a lifetime. I’ve dealt with depression, being molested, raped, drugged, abusive relationships, wanting to commit suicide, used alcohol and guys as a coping mechanism, etc. It’s been a rough road for most of my life. The hardest part of my life was my abortion. Yes, you read that right. I know it’s the one sin that most Christians can’t get past.

I’ve been walking faithfully with Christ for 6 years or so now. I wasn’t before that. I accepted Christ when I was about 16, and I got really connected with a church. I loved it. But then college came, I got out of an abusive relationship, and then was raped within my freshman year. This sent me in a tailspin. One I didn’t get out of for several years.

I got it into my head that God didn’t love me enough and didn’t care to protect me from all that pain, so I was giving up on Him. Worse than that, I was going to get back at Him. I was determined to do what I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I drank, a lot. I could tell you I was drunk more nights than I was sober sophomore year. It eased up a bit the next couple years, but not much. I partied like a rock star, literally. I used guys like they had used me. No longer was I going to let them hurt me in that way, I was going to be in control this time. I was a mess. But, I lived in this mess for years. Even after college, I moved home and got a couple jobs, but continued this lifestyle. I ran as far away from God as I could.

Little did I know, He was still right there chasing me, protecting me this entire time.

I should have died several times. So easily I could have. I was not smart or safe in my actions, I drove drunk so many times. Thank the Lord I never hurt anyone and I never got pulled over.

During this time in my life, one night stands didn’t happen super often, but they did happen. One such night, I got pregnant. I had no idea what in the world to do. I was always against abortion, but when I was in the situation, all I could hear was lies from the enemy telling me it wasn’t that big of a deal. It would be a bigger deal for me to keep the baby and to face all the wrath that would surely happen if I did. So I had an abortion. Only 2 of my friends knew, and that was all I ever intended.

BUT, then Jesus got a hold of me. He changed everything in my life. He set me free. He changed my heart. He gave me new life and a new purpose. He gave my life meaning. He forgave me.

Even when I couldn’t forgive myself, He did. He paid my punishment on the cross. It’s all paid for in full!
Abortion isn’t the one unforgivable sin. There is nothing that you can do, to keep Him from forgiving you, NOTHING!

Please tell me you hear that part, because it’s the most important thing.

NOTHING YOU CAN DO, HAVE DONE, OR HAVE HAD DONE TO YOU IS TOO BIG FOR GOD TO FORGIVE.

Romans 8:38-39 says “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death no life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below – indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

NOTHING!

He forgives it all. ALL of it was paid for on the cross.

It took me a long time to truly get this. Trust me.

For so long I was sure that everything else could be forgiven, but there was just something too big about that one, but no that’s not true. Jesus paid it all. He already bled and died and rose again for that sin. It’s wiped away, It’s no longer a part of who I am. It is part of who I was, before Him.

In Colossians 2:13b-14, Paul writes it like this: “Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross.”

I recently read Bill Johnson from Bethel Church put it this way. “The blood of Jesus wiped out the power and record of sin in your life. Your old nature is dead. It hasn’t been put on a shelf, or in a closed room, or imprisoned – it has been crucified. Period. Done deal. Remember that Jesus addressed believers as saints. We tend to think sainthood is acquired after years of sacrificial service. Wrong. We went from rotten sinners to born-again saints in a single moment when we accepted salvation. Once the blood of Jesus has wiped out sin, you can’t get any cleaner.”

“Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Fast forward. Living in the freedom of Christ’s healing more and more all the time. Seeing more of myself through His eyes. Falling deeper and deeper in love with Him. This is me today.

Then this month, we’ve been digging into each other as women on the squad and our identity in Christ and how that is who we are now. Learning more about what it looks like to walk in that identity.

A couple weeks or so ago, I shared my testimony with 18 women. It never gets easy to share so much intense stuff with people, but I have seen the power of my testimony and how God has used it for His glory and to bring others closer to Him, so I enjoy sharing it now. Doesn’t make it easy, just makes it worth it.
After a few of us shared, we were praying for each other and a squad mate, Alexa, got a vision from God for me. He showed her my daughter. She was beautiful. He let her know that He is taking care of her and I will see her again someday. This wrecked me. I thought I was past this. I thought I was healed as much as I could be from this and had no idea there was more healing needed. Until now. Until God showed one of my sisters more.  I have a daughter.

I prayed and prayed about it for a few days trying to see more, trying to re-mourn her. I didn’t know her name and wondered if God had named her for me. So I kept asking Him to know her name, or for Him to show me if I needed to name her. One afternoon during worship I was praying and crying out to Him about her. He said ever so softly, what was it that you wanted to name your first daughter?

Audrey Hope.

That is her name.