First off, I want to apologize for not having written in a while.
The last few weeks have been rather crazy to say the least – I almost feel like
I could write a book on just the last three weeks…but I will do my best to
limit it to a not-too-long blog post. :
)
As to the title of this post, it is getting hot, literally and figuratively. In the literal sense, it’s
definitely the start of summer! I would know, because I’ve been going running
around noon each day and have definitely been able to feel the heat. Not the
smartest decision, I know, but I haven’t been running earlier as I usually
would because I’ve been having some quality times with the Lord each morning
now that school is over and I have the time to do so…not to mention that final
preparation for the Race is on. That’s where the figuratively “hot” part comes
in. As I described in an earlier blog (“Approaching the Fire”), one way to illustrate
my feelings about the Race is like a bonfire – while the glow is appealing at
first, the closer you get to it, the hotter it feels, and the more it can freak
you out. And in a blog even earlier than that (“Doggone It!”), I mentioned how,
every time God gets ready to do something awesome, Satan steps in to deter or
mess it up however he can. That’s definitely been the case for me over the last
few of weeks, both in the sense of increasing heat and Satan trying to
interfere and mess up God’s plans.
The last week of the semester, finals week, was awfully tough. I
had four exams in four days, and they escalated in difficulty. At the end of
the fourth exam, friends were asking me, “Aren’t you excited?!? You’re done
with college now!” To which I replied, “As long as I passed those last two
exams!” I was pretty much holding my breath for a few days (not literally,
because I would have passed out, but figuratively)…and then when grades were
posted, in the class I was most concerned about failing, I managed to pull a
70.06 as my final class average. Not the most stellar grade, but more than a
letter grade above passing! God is so good.
The following week, I was able to spend some quality time with one
of my roommates and best friends from whom I will be separated for this coming
year (that is one of the most difficult things I am struggling with in leaving).
I spent some quality time in the Word throughout that week as well, and
honestly had a lot that I was wrestling with the Lord about during those times
(that’s one reason I didn’t blog – I needed some serious God time before
continuing). I believe that God does allow varying circumstances in our life to
challenge us, test our devotion to Him, and grow us more into His likeness and
into the people He created us to be. But it is rarely, if ever, easy.
College graduation was Friday, and while it was a wonderful
ceremony (I was very proud of my class being the most spirited graduating class
of any I have witnessed in the handful of graduations I have attended at
Clemson, chanting the cadence count at least three times during the ceremony!),
that was the last time I will ever see most of those people in this lifetime (One
actually died a couple of days later in a roller-blading accident – that makes
the third death of someone close to my age that I have witnessed in the last
year, something else that has been difficult to process. People this young just
aren’t supposed to die.). I was able to spend some quality time with a few
close friends and family that afternoon at a graduation celebration, so that
was wonderful…but bittersweet. The next day, my parents and I packed up all of
my belongings in my apartment, the place I have spent the last two years of my
life. I didn’t realize until that afternoon that the night before was the last time
I would EVER sleep in my bed and room in that apartment. I was so busy over
these couple of days, though, that these realities didn’t really have time to
set in and play on my emotions, for which I am grateful.
I began the process of saying good-bye to friends for a year
during these couple of days as well, sharing some quite tearful and
heartwrenching moments with dear friends. One girl, who has become my little
sister in the Lord over the last couple of years, prayed with me regarding The World
Race before we parted. She is extremely excited about and supportive of me
going, but like a handful of people, she is going to miss me like crazy…and I
her. Her prayer just about brought me to tears, especially the part when she
said, “Lord, in the times when she is lonely [in the coming year], let her know
that those at home love and miss her dearly and have not forgotten her. ” I
have had this concept in the back of my mind for a while now, but to have
someone actually voice it made it a little more poignant. I was reminded of how
blessed I am to have so many people who love me so much – from close friends
like this girl to supporters whom I barely know that believe in the cause for which
I am going out into the world for the coming year. God really is so good.
Now I am back at home, surrounded by bags that need to be unpacked
from my apartment and items that need to be packed for the coming Race.
Training camp is less than two weeks away, and though I believe God has me in
the palm of His hand, my heart and mind are not exactly in the most stable
state right now. My dad recently described walking in the Lord’s will like walking
through a dark room at night. You know generally where you are going and how to
avoid stumbling over certain items along your path, but you can’t see exactly
where you are going. You just proceed with caution but confidence in the way that
you know you are supposed to go. I believe that I am walking in the Lord’s will
right now, but He is definitely having to take my hand and gently but firmly
lead me forward right now. There is a lot I am still wrestling with in my
heart, and I feel like a little child taking its parent’s hand, shaking but
trusting, in walking forward. And I am learning about discerning the Lord’s
voice and seeking His guidance more than ever before as well, submitting to and
following His will and ways despite what it costs me, because I believe that He
loves, provides for, and richly rewards those who honestly, earnestly seek Him
and are devoted to Him.
So that is where I am right now. I’m sorry for this having been so
long, but I wanted to share with you a glimpse of my journey over the last few
weeks. And while the last few months have been quite an experience in growing
in trust, faith, and intimacy with the Lord, I am getting ready to embark on a
journey that will shape me for the rest of my life while God uses me, by His
grace and no merit of my own, as a light to the nations and people of the world.
May the Lord’s will be done.
You
will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts
in You. Trust in the LORD forever, For in Yah, the LORD, is everlasting
strength. – Isaiah 26:3-4
