Identity. A subject that most young people like myself struggle with. I encountered many questions about my identity, especially personality wise.
Am I outgoing and social? Am I quiet and shy? Should I dress like this? Should I dress like that? What kind of individual do others see when they look at me? Will I be able to truly be myself the way God has designed me? Or will I stay subject to other views?
I remember writing in my journal, “I’m so terribly insecure. I struggle with self-importance. I tend to feel like no one wants to be friends with me.” This whole thought process and torn heart of mine changed when I encountered God and people in new ways. Finding my identity started on July 2nd, the second day of training camp for the Guatemala mission trip as I pleaded with God, “Bring the real me out. Help me have full and complete confidence.”
I knew on the surface that I was a child of God, but I did not really fully understand how deep that phrase could go. Because of identity theft, I lacked fruit and a deep relationship with The Lord merely because I was confused on how I should act.
Of course the main theme during training camp was identity, because that is just how God works. They first talked about giving up labels, this, however, would not comply with me simply because I felt like I didn’t have anything to label… I was just a human being. Training camp leaders spoke about how we should not find ourselves in gifts or talents but in God, that was part of my problem. I was believing the lie that I was not good at anything.
Throughout the first week The Lord started to reveal to me that I do have a gift of worship, that I am not just a human being, but that I was made complete in His image and to carry out His gift as a way of ministry. He also started teaching me that who I am has nothing to do with abilities, but my relationship with Him does. Jesus focused me on what I was thirsty for and what He needed to give me or sustenance.
There were so many opportunities to go grow spiritual fruit in Guatemala. At a nursing home we went to, I had the pleasure of strolling an old man around. Although we could not communicate due to the language barrier, I knew that there was a sense of joy that filled his heart. Compassion was stirred up in me when we prayed for a bed ridden cancerous man and a begging woman on the streets of San Pedro. Joyfulness arose when playing/teaching with needy children. Humbleness came about when having conversations with complete strangers about Jesus. Faithfulness was defined when I saw prayer being effective. All of these aspects helped mold me into who I am today.
There was never really an ice breaker where it was like *ding ding ding* found who I am. It was more of a gradual process that happened through the month by the impact of ministry that was shown towards others and the amount of encouragement spoken upon me from my team mates. There is no more doubt about myself, no more wondering how I should act, just complete peace with the being that God has created and the future that He holds for me. I am who He has called me to be. I am His.
Much Love.
