The last several days have been really challenging, on the flip side they have been really good for me.
We have as a squad been sharing a lot of our crap, that we need to try and get over this year, so that we can be healed to be able to take the kingdom to others.
I have shared parts of my heart that I would never have shared with anyone. It has been hard but I know it had to be done and the sooner the better cause if I wait till later the pain will only be that much bigger. This is the first time that I have lived in community that loves me for me and does not have some other idea of who I should be. The hard part has trusting them. I have struggled with this for many years. I had an experience several years ago that scared me deeper than I thought it did. It is one of the things that I am grieving. I was in scouts as many of you already know. One year an person in scouts filled complaints that I and another scout had abused another kid in scouts. None of this is true in anyway. But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t start thinking that way. I started thinking that no one wanted me and that I wasn’t good enough. This is only one of many stories out there but this is the one that I’m comfortable sharing at this minuet.
The other night we did a burning. I burned the hurt of not being accepted by others. I have felt that others don’t care about me for a while. It mainly hit when I was in my first year at Mizzou. I did not feel that I was accepted by anyone, no one wanted to be my friend. When I say No one I mean no one. There were people that I’d get lunch and dinner with and one friend that I would hang out with, but we transferred there together. But from then on I had felt not worthy of friendships cause no one want me as a friend.
Then two nights ago I started getting the effects of it all. I started into the flames. When I say this I mean that I was starting to get offended. Someone was talking about a title, which is labeled myself for several years. After talking it out with someone, I realized that it was God offending me so that I will start to let go of this thing. I was at first hurt but I know that If I wasn’t then I would not be able to grow out of it. I also know that I will keep getting offended till it offends me no more. And that is growth in God. When it first happened I let the devil use it, that was the wrong thing to do because it would impede my growth. Now I’m on the path to grow in it and let it go. I thank the lord that I have this community that is here to support me in this growing process.
