Jesus, its been such a hard week. I'm so sorry I tried doing it on my own. I'm sorry I ran instead of just turning into Your warm and tender embrace. I'm so tired of running. I'm so sorry for not solely depending on You for my very breath. My every move.
I can't do this without you God. Please forgive me.
I was listening to a song on the way to town this morning and it said "you don't have the strength to fight but do you have the faith to stand?"
I sat on the bus and felt this overwhelming peace come over me.
The past seven days have been some of the most difficult on The Race. Things haven't made sense and it's been flat out frustrating and completely exhausting.
And here we thought the last 45 days would breeze by. (laughs in the peanut gallery)
Some afternoons it's felt like perhaps my head just exploding would be less painful than sitting here and watching the chaos surrounding me.
I was sitting with my team by the camp fire when I got some of the scariest news of my life. My initial reaction was anger. I think I almost blacked out. I remember standing up, stumbling then crumbling in the grass as sobs gripped my body like they did when my grandad died.
I was so mad that God would allow something like this. But the more I think about it, I think the root was fear. Fear that I couldn't do anything to fix or prevent what was happening around me.
I've realized I'm a fixer. I like for things to work like a well oiled machine.
Yet rarely in life does that happen.
And yet.
I expect it.
I expect God to heal the sick the way I think healing should happen.
I think He should do all these things the way I would do it. Crap, maybe I'm not a fixer. Maybe it's worse than I thought.
Maybe I'm a know it all.
God doesn't need me to explain to Him how to run the universe. Sometimes me, myself and I can be my own worst enemy.
God's my friend. We're buds. We talk alot and yet it's not fair of me to walk out if He does something I don't like. I've learned over and over and over this year that I can't leave Sweet Aroma if they hurt me. I can't walk out the gate and pretend like life isn't nuts. I have to face the music. I'm not a fan of the lingo we throw around out here but for lack of a better word, when the going gets tough, you have to press in.
It's great to empathize with people but not to the point that you get mad at God Himself and become an angry lady.
Anger and condemnation is satan's way of saying, gotcha.
If the darn devil can get us in a place of inner turmoil then he wins. When we are immobile he is celebrating.
So I say no.
No satan. You cannot take my joy. You cannot take my love or passion or freedom. The only person who can hand that stuff over is me and I say no.
God has put me in a unique position. He's placed me far enough away from circumstances I desperately want to fix but He says not now so that I can pray harder than ever before.
So I'll be His sniper.
He's given me a vantage point to see what the front lines cannot always see. As the enemy throws chaos and fear on our people, we will stand against it in Jesus name. We will take out each lie, each demonic assignment set against us, every vicious cycle of malaria, every bout of cancer and every incurable case of HIV and we will stand in faith knowing God Himself has a plan for us to live lives that are daring yet good. Exciting yet peaceful.
We are on kingdom business. It's anything but safe yet completely safe and it's exactly where I want to be.
