I’ve sat and stared a lot this month. There’s been a lot to contemplate. It’s not the poverty that grips me—we’ve seen poor before and it isn’t bad here. It’s not the stinky pottys or the cold—it’s not the smiles or the laughter. But there’s just something that is terribly different than other countries we’ve been to.
There’s an absence of innocence here.
So much of what I have seen and heard around the world has been laced with a naivety that twists your heart inside out.
Yet Swaziland is different.
This country simply breaks your heart. There is a slow decay happening amongst the countryside that you cannot explain. As sickness continues to ravage the bodies and minds of the natives, it’s hard not to catch the hopelessness bug. The nation is disappearing before my eyes. If HIV continues like it is right now, there will be no Swaziland by 2030.
Sobering. Sickening. Reality.
But despite the disease, the sadness, we want more. More of Jesus, craving His presence like children wanting popsicles on a warm summer afternoon.
That desperation is back.
The feeling and better yet, knowing, that my next breath depends on the Jesus inside of me and nothing else is something that I can’t explain. I can’t contain it and I can’t control how much He adores me.
And there’s no place I would rather be.
How sweet that month 10 is not one where I ride the wave home. It’s not to be tackled by ourselves and it’s certainly not something I can ignore. You can’t hide in your tent and pretend like your neighbor isn’t dying. Because he is. Hearing if he makes it til Monday is gut wrenching.
I can’t heal the sick without Jesus. Shoot, I can’t raise the dead without Jesus. I can’t proclaim freedom to captives without Jesus and this is becoming more and more apparent. And as I continue to see my weakness, I continue to see His strength. And His strength is huge. And obvious.
So what are we doing? What’s the point of spending a month in a country that is dying of HIV faster than any other in the world?
When I first arrived and heard of the sexual abuse that plagues this nation, I thought I would throw up. I was pissed at the injustice and maybe righteous anger is ok but then again maybe taking the anger, converting it to love and pouring that back into the people is what Jesus really wants. Maybe it’s taking a frown and turning it into a smile. Maybe, just maybe, it’s not about me or my team. Perhaps it’s not what we can do to serve God but rather what God can wreck through us as kingdom is brought here on earth as it is in heaven.
So that Jesus’ name is shouted from the rooftops. So that He is honored, cherished, worshipped and revered. So that maybe the child we hug or sing to, hears about a Savior for the first time and feels His love like nothing they’ve ever felt before. And they know with everything in them that they are loved. That they are fought for and they too, are adored. Maybe that’s why we are here. And if that’s just a tiny reason why, then I’m ok with that.
Really ok with it.
