From time to time I get really gusty and I ask Jesus to bring to light that which is hidden darkness in my life.
Of course then it happens…
Then I stare into the window of the bathroom (because I don’t have a mirror) looking at my reflection and feeling a little hopeless like that time I just knew Peyton would win the Heisman and then he didn’t.
The other day on the roof Jesus told me I’m a seed. Seeds have all the potential in the world to become trees if they are planted, watered and cared for but if not, they peter out and die.
Okk what you’re saying is I’m a seed?
Yes, you are a seed.
So I’m this seed with all the things I need to walk as His Daughter but the question is, am I willing to let Him grow me?
I used to think that not having my game face on meant I was letting everyone down. That’s a dangerous thought pattern.
Newsflash—it’s not normal to be on all the time. Community and God are teaching me that. I was feeling particularly emotional the other day when Jakey asked me if I was having a good morning. I think I said something sweet and loving like heck no, don’t talk to me and give me some grace.
Soo who wants to be on my team?!?
I’ve also learned that keeping the peace in order to avoid controversy isn’t always the best resolution. When darkness is exposed to light, it’s beautiful and shouldn’t be something to run from. I used to hit the dusty trail and not look back.
Usually I run around thinking everyone dreams in cartoons and poops rainbows. I’m oblivious and sometimes naïve yet as I’ve begun walking boldly in my love for Jesus, the worlds are colliding in a bright array of anguish, awkwardness and silence.
This month has been insanely interesting. I’ve disappointed myself thinking I should be perfect by now, I mean we’re six months in, shouldn’t I know the ropes? And I’ve sat in a field thinking my head would explode off my body if one more person tried to over spiritualize the conversation.
But I think that’s growth.
Feeling these things is good albeit however hard they are to feel. One because it exposes it and two, what better place to figure it out while I run this Race and do life with people I consider family.
I’ve said over and over how the Race isn’t real life. It’s a bubble. Or whatever else my flesh has wanted to justify it as. But between you and me, this is real life. This is my life. It’s not like I’m on hold for a year and will pick back up where I started when I peaced out last September. When I come home, I’ll be different and it’d be a crying shame if I ignored the fact that this year, this real life, is not only authentic but it’s shaping me for the rest of my days here on earth.
When I try and I try, I fail and I fail. When I want to say the right thing or be the best human, I fall like spit on the sidewalk. There’s not always a right answer. But there is freedom in realizing there is no agenda here except God’s. There is freedom to be us and love Him. God’s a lover and He’s loving me as I crawl and fidget, squirm and wiggle. He’s a God of the miraculous. He gives us the desires of our hearts and my desire is to run full court press and never grow weary from the awesome zeal He has instilled in me. To live life like there’s nothing to lose and know that my crown of glory is in heaven, not here on earth. To soak up each smell, each conversation and know that I don’t live a life apart from His will but rather part of it.
So as I sit here, I’m not graveling in self pity thinking about how messy I am but rather, I repent for my heart posture acknowledging that I’ve already been forgiven! Rather than a time of frustration or saying oh shucks as I kick the dirt, it’s an exhilarating love declaration that screams what He’s already done for me. I’d hate to miss the fact that we are a holy people.
Holy, holy, holy.
Sure, we still screw up but man, what a truth to relish that at the end of the day, God still sees us as holy. Innocent, pure and righteous before Him. Jesus, give me those eyes for my brothers and sisters. I have the glasses but I forget to always wear them. I think I need the Lasik. I don’t want it to be head knowledge, so please transform it in my heart so its what I do, who I am. Those 18 inches from my head to my heart are tricky. Thanks for being the state patrol Guy on this pathway through life. Cruise that truth on in and make it resonate off this transformed heart of mine you’ve been working on my whole life. I love you, lots. Like tons.
Amen y Amen
