Indonesia. Man, what a month. What a TOUGH month— my hardest month on the Race so far actually. Before I get into the details of me bawling in some random Indonesian abandoned house, let’s review the highlights shall we?
We had the incredible opportunity to work with an organization called YKAKI Children’s Home, which is somewhat like a Ronald McDonald house in America. Parents stay here with their child while the little one receives cancer treatments at a nearby hospital. There were about 10 children, ages 3 to 15 years old, that were there during our stay, and when I say they touched my heart… woof. From belting Celine Dion karaoke (don’t ask me why a group of mainly non-English speaking people knows every word to My Heart Will Go On), to origami masterpieces (those kids could fold an Eiffel Tower if they tried..I stuck to my sailboats), to practicing English between giggles and tickles, those kids really stole my heart. Most days we stayed at the home with the children, but some days we had the opportunity to visit the hospital and hang out with kids there. Here are a couple of our little buddies!
This is Margareth! She is a precious 8 year old who has been battling cancer for 2 years now. Although she is so weak that she cannot even walk, she is insanely brave, and has hopes and dreams like any other little kid. She wants to be an actress, and never misses an opportunity to take the microphone during karaoke.
This is Faiq. He is a 3 year old spitfire! He had us constantly cracking up, and his giggle turned me to a puddle. He didn’t know a word of English, but was basically fluent in head, shoulders, knees, and toes by the time we left!
Here’s Khairul! He is serious about his artwork, and has the most precious, soft heart. His little tongue was always hanging out as he focused on his drawings, and his smile melted my heart.
We LOVED our time at YKAKI, and our hearts were really burdened by the pain and suffering that these tiny kiddos go through. We prayed healing and hope over them, and we were constantly telling them how loved they were. Though we only spent about a week and a half with them at the end of our month, they really showed me a new side of love and courage that I hadn’t experienced before.
Another incredible opportunity we had last month was when we prayed in a Muslim mosque. We weren’t sure if we were going to be allowed in, but we thought we would ask and see what they said at the door! We removed our shoes, covered our heads (why yes that is a skirt on my head, I didn’t have a scarf okay?) and went upstairs to the women’s prayer area. Here we joined other women praying, but instead we prayed for the love and light of Jesus to awaken something in these women. We hummed “Holy Spirit, you are welcome here,” believing for salvation and understanding to dig into their hearts. Afterwards we spoke to a few women who knew English, asking questions about their faith, families, and stories, and in turn offering answers to our own. It was a really powerful time!
We also had some bomb adventure days. We camped on a tiny, remote island where we went barracuda fishing, ate shark, snorkeled, and slept in tents on the beach. Another day we visited a sky bridge and also went caving (aka I slipped like 20 feet down a cave and got covered in mud). We took sketchy boats down random rivers with locals to see some of the most gorgeous sights, and road a boat shaped like a swan around the bay to see a 99 dome mosque.
When I look back at and reflect on these incredible experiences I had last month, I’m honestly pretty humbled by how hard it all seemed in the moment. I was fully prepared to write an entire blog about how frustrating and challenging this past month was, but when you look at the highlights it doesn’t seem so bad. Buuuut, nonetheless, it still was a pretty hard month for me. The island we were on in Indonesia was difficult in general. It seemed that there were very few English speakers, and we had literal LINES everywhere we went of people wanting selfies with us. I now fully understand why Britney shaved her head in 2007. We did not have hosts in Indonesia, and we were supposed to pray into where and what God had for us that month. With the first half of the month being full of Muslim holidays, it seemed that every organization was closed, so we spent a lot of time praying and spending time with Jesus. Which don’t get me wrong, that’s AMAZING. But when I was consumed with literal hours of back and forth emails and researching trying to line up debrief for logistics (I’ll explain that next), coupled with feeling incredibly restless and cooped up not being able to leave the house without the paparazzi, I felt like a crazy lady. Logistics.. oh logistics: I found myself completely overwhelmed with my job as a logistics coordinator. I am responsible for planning the logistics for team debriefs as well as making sure travel between countries is booked and executed smoothly, which got a little saucy to say the least when Bali, our most recent debrief location, was in peak tourist season, and finding lodging and transportation for 40 people within our small missionary budget was a special treat. In addition to that challenge, we had team changes, which was a much tougher transition than expected after having been so close with my first team. And to put the cherry on the cake, I was hangry as crap surviving off rice and peanuts for the month (wishing I had a cherry or a cake). I was walking off some steam one day when I came across an abandoned house, where I soon finally broke down and laid on the floor and bawled my eyes out for an hour. It wasn’t cute, there were spiders and trash and glass everywhere, and I kid you not someone asked me for a selfie as I was emerging looking like a raccoon from crying. In comparison to being 5 years old with cancer fighting for my life… these “challenges” seem embarrassingly petty. But at the same time, God loves me for where I’m at, even when it’s not the spiritually-groomed missionary I intended to be by month 6. It’s okay to have emotions, it’s okay to be frustrated. To stuff and stuff them waiting for your emotions to explode though, as I had been doing, lands you in a place you didn’t intend to be. You can’t be perfect all the time— saving all the kids so they never have to feel pain again, planning every perfect detail for a team debrief so everyone thinks you are just amazing, having it all together so everyone thinks that well, you have it all together. God isn’t afraid of your ugly parts, so why am I so afraid to fall apart sometimes?
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10.
All in all, I am thankful with the realization that I am not the savior of the world. I can ask God over and over for the cure for cancer, when at the end of the day, I already have it… Jesus. I can try and try to make everything fall into logistic perfection, but when things completely shatter (feel free to ask how I almost had to have 40 people sleep on the beach lololol), I have no choice but to trust that God has bigger and better plans. Despite my flaws, my tantrums, and my shortcomings, it’s Jesus plus nothing. He sees and loves me right where I’m at, and I have everything I need. My God is a redeeming God. Which I know can become a common term for Christians, but to redeem something literally means “to compensate for the faults or bad aspects of something.” It can be a little embarrassing to see what/who really comes out in the tension, but that just reveals more parts of who I am that I can surrender for Jesus to work on. Olive branches are great and all, but the valuable oil only comes in the pressing.
“Squeeze an orange? Orange juice. Squeeze an apple? Apple juice. It would be weird to squeeze an orange and have apple juice come out. Tell me why it isn’t equally as confusing and strange for a Christian to be squeezed and to have anything but Jesus come out?” -Todd White.
Who are you when tensions arise? Do you like that person? If not, don’t let yourself sit there. Ask God who He sees you as—He will tell you. Abandoned houses are for exploring (sorry mom), not for crying alone. Find a tribe, and let yourself trust them enough to see your ugly parts. Let yourself feel so that God can redeem the parts of who you might be (that you’re not proud of) that He has already planned for purpose and a future.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30 (MSG).
