I feel like I have so much to say, but am unsure of how to write everything without sounding like complete word vomit on ya’ll. But in summary, God is so stinking good.
I have been in Swaziland, Africa for exactly one week as I am writing this blog. In the past week; I have grown in deep relationship with my teammates, I have seen healing, I have missed my mom, I have witnessed freedom from secret sin, I have had SO MUCH TIME WITH THE LORD, and in everything I have been surrounded by the Holy Spirit.
In my first blog, I wrote about the Lord revealing to me that he SEES ME and he loves me.
He didn’t stop revealing this to me here in Swaziland (or Eswatini now lol). In Swazi language to say hello it is “Sawabona.” This translates into English as “I see you”. WOW WHAT A FUNNY DUDE RIGHT? How crazy it is that every time I speak to a Swazi and they say hello, I am LITERALLY reminded that God sees me? God sees each and every one of us. He loves each and every one of us. He knows each and every hair on each one of our heads. No words can comprehend this.
In my next few paragraphs I am going to talk about some thoughts that have been on my mind that I am honestly still trying to comprehend and would love if ya’ll could be praying over. I also must say that my words are not meant to hurt or attack any one.
I have realized the United States has become such a hard place for me to find true joy.
Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love the United States. I love my mom, my friends, my school, my dog, washing machines, ovens, clean showers, and all the other first world things that you could input.
but my PURE JOY is found in the nations.
In the places we have to check our sleeping bags for cockroaches and ants every night,
In the places we eat the same meal every day,
In the places laundry is done in a bucket,
In the places getting hot water is not normal,
In the places kids walk three miles to school,
In the places kids latch onto complete strangers,
In the places kids have been wearing the same ripped, dirty clothes for a week,
In the places I see complete and utter reliance on the Lord.
In these places I have learned so deeply that I crave to be loved and seen and cared for. I realize I have this intense insecurity that I am not enough. I see so much of myself in every single child that latches onto me. These children crave for love and affection and security and I love providing that to them.
Today, a young girl who I have had a special connection with since our very first day of ministry whispered in my ear “I love you Tina” and proceeded to kiss my hand. My heart pounded in my chest.
I have turned to 1 John 4:19 frequently “We love because he first loved us.” I have experienced and seen how great of love God has for each of his children and anything I do I know is because he first loved me.
Am I called to spend my life outside of the states? Honestly, I am still unsure. But I think that is why God brought me to Swaziland. I am learning what it means to BE STILL. Being so disconnected from everything comfortable has shown me what it means to literally sit, be still, and simply listen to what God is speaking or showing me. It is hard to do. Sometimes I am still unsure if my squirrel brain is making things up, or if the Holy Spirit is revealing something to me. That is the beautiful thing though, that I can simply ask God and he will make it clear. It could take hours or years, but God does have purpose. The Holy Spirit will guide you. You will not be forgotten.
I was speaking to a few of my teammates today about all of these thoughts, having them read this blog because I am so insecure about my writing (lol), and low-key not knowing if I would even get to post it because wifi is nonexistent. But my friend Georgia finished reading and said to me, “Christine, you write so much about joy in the nations and happiness in the states. Maybe you should think about the fact that joy is a fruit of the spirit. Happiness is not.”
Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
So I just ask that ya’ll pray over this with me. Pray for my team. Pray for the beautiful Swazi people I have met.
Above all else, I pray right now as I type that whoever is reading this knows how loved they are. God loves you. He sees you. And I simply pray that you take a moment to talk to God. Just a moment to thank him, praise him, and ask him to speak to you.
I love and miss ya’ll 🙂
