(Quick side note: These thoughts may seem scattered and honestly may not make a whole lot of sense, but I feel like blogging is a great way to share what I am experiencing and a great way to process these experiences…. so try to bear with me!)
I have been on many mission trips and been to many different camps/conferences, but this weekend I have experienced something so different. Here I want to simply share some thoughts and experiences I have had.
To begin, I want to share a snippet of something I wrote in my journal on the first day of training camp. We were prompted with the simple question, “what do you hope to get out of this summer?”
In my journal I wrote
“I have always leaned so heavily on Jesus and I would love to grow in relationship with not only the Father, but the Holy Spirit. I want to build life-long habits this summer. My heart would break if I get back to Waco and I don’t appear more like Jesus.”
Today, looking back at this journal entry that was ONLY 3 DAYS AGO I simply want to smile. Not only has Jesus revealed to me just how much he loves me, but the Holy Spirit has surrounded me in ways I have never encountered before.
A few main takeaways regarding the Holy Spirit I gathered from training are:
1. the Spirit is ALWAYS within us. Even during the times when we feel isolated, alone, or forgotten.
2. The Holy Spirit ONLY speaks truth. The Spirit will not discourage, encourage comparison, or promote self-dependency. It will not disempower you.
3. The Holy Spirit may not always make sense in the moment. Discernment can come through your relationships; God, friends, teammates, and family can help you better understand what the Spirit is saying.
Not only have I LEARNED about the Holy Spirit, but I have personally ENCOUNTERED the Spirit wholeheartedly. Something I frequently struggle to do. I feel like I live life with constant anxieties in the back of my mind. Does this person like me? Am I being a good enough leader? Do I need to be a constant rock for my friends? Am I pretty enough? Funny enough? Am I praying fancy enough words? All of these different things constantly running through my conscience throughout each day.
The Spirit has shown me that full dependence on the Lord, sitting in silence asking the Lord to speak or reveal something casts away all of these anxieties.
THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY FOR EVERYONE
Just like athletes have to practice to become good at what they do, or just like musicians have to rehearse. Christians have to practice simply LISTENING to the Lord. Being still, being completely open to anything the Lord wants to reveal to you.
This weekend the Lord repeatedly revealed an image to me. An image of himself holding a scroll in his hands that simply read “Christine, I love you”. At first I was timid to believe this was really “from God”. I thought seeing images was something for really practiced and advanced Christians. But God is right with us EXACTLY where we are. The Holy Spirit is with us EXACTLY where we are.
I didn’t realize the weight of this image until worshipping tonight. Our final night at training camp. During worship I felt the need to simply lay on the floor and pray to God. I prayed hard things. I spoke of my frustration with God. Frustration that I felt as if he wasn’t speaking to me like he was my other teammates. Frustration that I was feeling so unworthy of going on this trip. Frustration of illnesses I have had over the past semesters.
Upon standing, a girl (WHO I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE) walked right up to me. She stated she felt the Lord telling her I needed to be made aware that she sees me, that the Lord sees me, that I am not forgotten. She then prayed over me. In that moment I knew God hears my prayers. I knew that he loves me, I knew that he sees me and has not forgotten me, I knew in that moment the Holy Spirit is alive and well in me.
In the following moments we continued to worship the words to Reckless Love. We praised the overwhelming love of God, the never ending love of God, and seemingly reckless but not so reckless love of God.
So why title this blog “come wreck me?”
I chose this title because tonight, myself and almost 100 other college students cried out for God to wreck our hearts during worship. We repeated over and over “Come Wreck Me” A dangerous prayer that we honestly don’t fully understand yet. But a prayer that ultimately is dangerous to the devil.
