These thoughts were rooted in the lie that I was not worth it. I believe I wasn’t enough for my family, my friends, and God. Because I wasn’t worth it, I thought that’s why my parents didn’t support me in my early teenage years when I had a whim to run a marathon in Hawaii or decided to go volunteer in Thailand or go into sales consulting with a top European firm (my first job out of college). They were dreams and goals that were focused on the attention and glory I could receive if I succeeded. When my parents hadn’t supported me, it had hurt my pride because it prevented my glory. First of all, I had made a huge mistake when I failed to focus on the infinite goodness that they had completely flooded my life with and got distracted by the very few moments when they didn’t support me. Second, I’ve got the intention of my life all wrong when the focus was on the power and prestige that I could receive through accomplishment because my life is meant to be a beautiful gift for humanity in the same way that Jesus gave His life away.
It’s hard to love God sometimes. In fact, I have felt hatred towards God in the past because He wouldn’t change the circumstances to how I wanted it to be. At times, I had rather Him be a genie than my lover and my groom. The words of marriage vows “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worst” is the very heart of God. He says He is “with [me] always, even to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). My friends are here with me, my family is here with me, my God is here with me- that is enough – not their agreement with me, not their financial or emotional support for me, and it’s not them doing what I want.
