Following Jesus isn't easy. In fact, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. He asks us to die to ourselves every day, to choose to be last, to take up our cross and follow Him wherever He leads.
I won't lie, this month has been the hardest one yet on the Race for me.
Stepping into leadership has been like nothing I've expected. I wake up feeling my spirit clinging to the power of the cross every day. I've been acutely aware of 6 pairs of eyes, 6 pairs of ears, 6 opinions (7, really, including my own) constantly dancing around me awaiting a chance to land. I've spent most of this month on my knees asking the Lord, "What do You want me to do?" and all I've gotten in reply is, "I trust you."
He trusts me? That's not very specific.
Then the sicknesses came. First, mysterious lower back pain that left me spending hours lying flat on the living room floor. Then a day of dizzy spells and nausea coupled with a fever. Lastly, another bout of nausea, fever, and diarrhea that caused me to eat nothing for 2 days. My sick, groaning body has somehow become a part of the backdrop of the small 2 bedroom house 13 of us (my team has been paired up with Eddie's team) have been sharing this month.
The living room. Also where 2 people (and whatever squad leader visitors we currently have) sleep.
And yet, there has been joy. A different kind than what I've known before. Joy in the complete and utter dependency I have on Jesus. Joy in the eternity that I know awaits me after this life–and that really makes the bug bites, the constant sweating (dang, Malaysia is hot), the dirty squatty-potty, my crazy World Race acne, and the fact that I'm sleeping shoulder to shoulder with 6 other women all seem like very small, distant issues. Joy in knowing that my value is in what my Father has said, and continues to speak, over me. Joy in knowing my hope and my defense are all taken care of by the Lord.
Sidney Ann and I leading worship at a worship workshop in Penang, Malaysia.
I've realized that an increased portion of the Lord doesn't mean life gets easier. In fact, I've been going through the life of King David, and I've realized that his life was hard. His sons were rebellious, he was persecuted by Saul, his people cursed him . . . one minute he was favored by the people, next minute he was greatly disdained. Yet he was a man after God's own heart, and he knew the intimate place of favor with the Lord.
Last night, the Lord reminded me that sometimes stepping into His promises means seeing an immediate famine, just like Abram did when he first packed up and set out for the promised land (Genesis 12:10). Yet, does that negate the Lord's promise?
Genesis 12:1-3
When I first said yes to leadership, the Lord said this was the best He had for me. Near the close of my first month, a really difficult and trying month, I stand and say I still believe that His promise is true because my God is faithful.
I still believe that Jesus is sufficient for me. I still believe that the cross is enough. I still believe that God is good. I still believe that He loves me enough to always keep me in the center of His will. I still believe that He takes me from glory to glory.
Amen.
