When I was in school, starting around middle school, all the way till my most recent degree, when I would receive a test, I would read over it, then flip to the very last question and start working on the test from the back to the front. It was always easier for me to complete the test, and I was more effective in my test taking abilities when I started at the back. Over time I realized that knowing the end or starting at the end and working backwards made things seem easier for me like when I count down while I am working out, it makes those endless squats and push-ups go by a little bit faster for me.
While being on the race, a squad leader recognized this in me, that to know the end of something, makes whatever I am doing easier and I will work with greater effort! I make countdowns for literally everything! Not to rush things past my self, but to see the goal and work towards it more effectively and more intentionally. Like on the Race, I don’t need to know what time ministry is over because, I am not interested in the ministry or don’t necessarily like the task at hand, but I love to know what I am working towards. I just like to know, am I working for 4 hours or for 9 hours? Am I hiking 12 kms today or just 3 km? I really only need to prepare my mind for what to expect and how to pace myself in the day ahead. In my most recent month, we spent a month in a homestay, in SaPa, Vietnam, helping a family harvest rice, I was not feeling ministry that day, which was a couple days after I had taken a big fall and my body was aching and tired. But, I choose to get into the rice field alongside of my team mates, specifically Kelley, which following finishing a rice terrace, we began on a really large terrace. Before started, I had a drink of water and placed the bottle at a spot in the rice, where we could not see the bottle, but we would work till we found the bottle, and then take a water break. We worked harder and more focused and we were so excited when we found that water bottle. Then I threw the bottle further into the rice, to set a new goal for us. That water bottle goal helped Kelley and I make the most of that day in the rice fields, pushing past not feeling well, and working harder, because we were looking forward to a water break. At the water break, we looked behind us to see how much work we had done, and we were excited that so much had been done by that point!
In the World Race, there was an end before we had began, and now there is an end upon us as we are now only 60 days out from returning home. When I was 60 days out from heading to the World Race, I was not sure what I really wanted out of the Season on the Race, but I am sure it was something about seeking out a new adventure. I remember sitting at my desk at work, looking over my oversized calendar with crossed out days tallying the days till I was leaving, daydreaming of what this year was going to be like. I was excited for the adventure, to get away, to get to something new as fast as possible. But, during this time, I realized, I became a better, harder working Recreation Therapist. I became more creative, more excited to go to work, and was more invested in the lives of all of the people I worked with.
Through my time on the World Race, I spent the first 5 months on the struggle bus, fighting with the Lord, and with the process of letting things go, so then I can fully receive what He was wanting to teach me this year. The first part of the year, reminded me of the quote, when things get hard and feel pressed upon, then what is on the inside will be reviled. What was being reviled, I hated, there was anger, pride, hostility, fear, neglect, avoidance, laziness, arrogance and Im sure plenty more that I have seen within myself that I was not pleased about. Fellow racers, team mates, squad leaders and our squad mentor brought these things up to me, some brought these things up to me gently, and some not so gently, but all were in love for me and my heart! Then there was the car wreck my squad mates were in, and then the earthquake, and not to forget my motor bike accident in Month 3, all of which shook me up quite a bit. They each brought me an awareness, how I was living, and how my actions were contrary to my hearts desire for what I want my life to look like and contrary to what Christ calls us as believers to live our lives out as stewards of His Kingdom.
I made some decisions, and changes on what the Race was going to be like and look like for me specifically at this time, like laying down my leadership role, and intentionally seeking to love people well, even when I don’t want to. In the following months, there was a great season of seeking reconciliation, through a trip to Indonesia, and some forgiveness of some deep pains in specific relationships in my life, that were all having a great impact on me. Through this season, the Lord showed me that I had been stuck in shame and guilt, which has been a constant battle since I was a child. Shame and guilt has been like a black spider web laying over my body, restraining me, and hindering my vision of the fullness of the freedom of Christ and His sacrifice on the cross.
The reason for this spider web of shame and guilt over my life, is that when I was a child, I was sexually abused by a friend’s father, he treated me like a girl friend, took me on dates, held my hand, and so on. This was when I was 8-9 years old. This was right after my parents divorce, my family was divided, in all standards, we lived in a different towns from each other, and each in a different town then I had lived in up to this point, a different town than my father, and my childhood home was gone because of financial struggles. The things that I had up to this point that had brought stability and comfort were gone, we saw my dad every other weekend, and my mom was having to work longer hours to make ends meet. I didn’t understand, that what my friends father was doing, was bad, and it took me a very very long time to fully understand the full extent of the damage that man did. My family didn’t know how to deal with huge, tragic situation, we went to the police, the man was arrested, sent to jail and I was sent to a counselor. I did’t know who knew and who didn’t know, it was in the newspapers, so friends at school knew, but not until right before the race did I find out that some of my own family didn’t really know. This was a time in my childhood and growing up was of great confusion, and pain, and is the root of when I began to run. This when I began to run from my family, from having one best friend, from stability, further away from the innocent girl I was before this. The lies were thick and ready to welcome me into their confusion of what the world makes on the pain and sufferings of our life, and so the spider web, dark, sticky, and strong began to form around me. As the lies lead me through one situation to the next the shame and guilt and the lies built great walls around me to hide me from the One of Freedom! Even as a believer, the web was still strong, the lies and confusion still fought to cripple the effectiveness of the Freedom of Salvation. I knew I was fighting for freedom, and often I was deceived into thinking I was living in freedom, but it was a beautiful interpretation of it. I have had great communities as a Christian, I have amazing, wonderful, God fearing friends, who see Christ and His hands at work in my life. They love me, and I love them, but I had no clue how to love them well, or accept truly accept their love for me, because of the fear that shame and guilt brought. My family, is wonderfully crazy, with quirks that are special to the Coleman/ Calamon Clans, they love me so well, have fought for me through super hard things that have come and passed. But, my web of shame and guilt has prevented me from fully being able to accept Christ’s Sacrifice, and the love from my friends and family.
Then, as I found myself in the World Race, praying through forgiving my self, forgiving people in my life that have caused pain, (we are all people so we are not perfect and we hurt each other, thats why we have forgiveness, it is such a beautiful process to walk through! ) and laying down my shame and guilt, that black spider web began to become a dead cob web floating away in the breeze of the Asian air.
During Month 8, we were in Cambodia, sitting in a tiny village, surrounded by rice fields, palm trees, and far away from great comforts! Our team sat around each other one evening, for a session on Super Feedback, ( a time where you give every person in you team, positive and constructive feedback that you have seen in them. ) During this time, I received feedback about needing to seek out gentleness, following moments of harsh reactions to simple things. So, I began, to seek out gentleness in the Bible and in my quiet times each day. As I sat seeking out this word and the fullness of what it means to be gentle, I realized, It is something I so desperately wanted. Gentleness, is not something I grew up with, I grew up with harsh reactions on all sides, its just how my family knew to react to things, and its how I learned how to react to things.
Then Month 9 came, we were in SaPa, Vietnam, surrounded by lush extravagant mountains, simplicity of life, and the stillness of sitting inside of clouds. I sat every morning on a front porch, soaking in the beauty of the Lord’s creation around me. I saw in creation what gentleness was, it is not passive, it is not weak, it is fierce, its is bold, but its has a way of impacting us with out forcing anything upon us. I opened my journal and my devotionals to seek what the Lord had to teach me in that day, and over the month I realized what He taught me on day 1 of month 9 was the END goal, as believers, as disciples, as humans and as World Racers, Holiness. He took me to the back of the Test and then began bringing me forward through each moment I sat with Him this month. He has 1 purpose for our lives, and that is for us to live in Holiness with Him, to fully accept the objective of His sacrifice and of our salvation. As the month progressed, He showed me Holiness comes out of obedience to the Father, obedience in saying yes, obedience in living a pure and redeemed life. But, He was not done there, He showed me that seeking Holiness through obedience is a road met with road blocks of temptation, that is there to bring chaos and confusion. John 10:10 say that, : the enemy is coming to steal, kill, and destroy.” The enemy’s goal, is to make us ineffective for the King, to make our service weak and futile. This is where the lies, the spider web of shame and guilt, and the aches of hurting relationships infiltrates our lives bringing the chaos and confusion, to distract us from being effective.
I have been running for a long time out of fear, shame, and guilt. For the last 8 years, I have been seeking to reclaim my life from the grasps of the enemy’s corrupted perspective. I have sought to forgive my abuser, sought to forgive the other men in my life that thought it acceptable to take advantage or attempt a similar act as my abuser, sought to forgive my family, sought to forgive myself for living a life battling against shame and guilt. But, in these months of the World Race, living in this season of pressing into what the Lord really has, I pushed into forgiveness more. Also, in spending the last month of the Lord teaching me His desire for my life from the End to the beginning, I now realize, the World Race, was not to show me my great adventure to serve on the other side of the globe from my home. It is to go HOME, to love my family well, to pray for my family, to call them higher in their lives as Christians, those whom are. To invest in my community of New Braunfels, to pray for my community, to pray for my city, to pray for my church and its leaders. To love the hurting, to see the broken, to serve the hungry and to be still in presence not running but being filled up in His stead fast love.
During this last month, a very special person in my community back home passed away, Wally Black, he lived this crazy awesome life, fully living out loud his love for his King, and sharing the joy he walked in with all of us in our community through Music. He was so very talented, he wrote music, and musicals, he inspired the youth in our church to rise up and praise our God boldly and passionately, especially in the gifts and talents He has given you. This man was so funny, jubilant, and enjoyed people so much! But, as I heard his days were coming to an end, I found myself broken, I knew him for 5 years, and I avoided him and his family till right before I left on the race. The lies and the thick black web of shame and guilt, made me feel unworthy, unacceptable, and of possibility to be rejected, so I hid in plain sight. Sitting on a porch in Vietnam, with a dear friends arm around me I mourned the friendship, I never got to fully receive, and the joy of knowing Wally because my past distorted my present. In this moment, I also recognized the effect that shame and guilt had on distorting my relationships with guys that I have dated, on my friendships, on relationship with my family, and the amount I decide my worth and value against how I perceive others. I recognize, that I can not go back and seek endless amounts of reconciliation of failed relationships and friendships but, I can make a choice to start new when I get home. Investing in the relationship that the Lord has placed in my present. Choosing to make my hometown, my ministry, intentionally living life and serving my King, in a way that is completely new to me, and a bit scary to be honest! I am excited and looking forward to what living out what I have seen in the lives of each of the contacts we have met in each month of the Race, and to no longer be running, hiding in plan sight, to live without the restraints of shame and guilt!
In an hour and a half, I leave my hostel, in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, where our squad has spent the last few days being refreshed from the last couple of months. We have had some team changes, and we have spoken praises from the past couple of months, along with shared about fears of what is ahead of us. We have 2 more months, we have a new continent, we are going to wild Africa, where only God really knows what is going to happen, then I head home to my Month 12 till whenever ministry… HOME! Please continue to pray for me, as the Lord continues to work out His will and His way in me, for my new team- 100% F.G.B., and my Squad as we are all headed to this finish line, and its coming faster than we realized it would! Thank you for your support and love along this journey!
Love Y’all, and see you in 2 Months!
