Have you ever had a phrase just pop into your head over and over again? This summer that phrase for me has been "reckless abandonment".
It has surrounded my summer hikes and conversations with people but I really didn't notice how much I was thinking about it until a hike I did about a month and a half ago. I don't really remember how the hike and the waterfall that was seen at the end were but I do remember that on the way down we stopped at a tiny waterfall-like thing near the end of the trail so that people could jump from the top and dive into the pool below. As people from the group ran off the little cement landing and catapulted themselves through the air all I could think of was how I wanted that. That reckless abandonment. I want the freedom to trust that I will land in the water and not break all the bones in my legs and then also my ribs. Oh, and there are the other bajillion bones, I want the freedom from worrying about those ones as well.
What I wanted was the freedom from my fear and worry. What I wanted was to trust that I could and would make it. I didn't want to jump until I knew that I could do it. I know that in order for me to know if I would survive or not would mean that I would have to take the leap into the water myself.
I didn't end up jumping that day. My fear held me tightly and safely grounded.
Unfortunately, this is a pattern in my life. My fear holding me fast. So often I'm so afraid to make a mistake, to fall, that I fail to make any move at all. I do not want that. I don't want for my fear to rule me. I want for my God to rule me. Of course I would be terrified of the ideas and steps that I would take on my own, but I shouldn't be afraid to trust the ones that God leads me to.
That is part of why I want to go on the World Race, I want to be put into a place where I am completely dependent upon God. A place that I can live recklessly for Him. Where He makes the decisions and I follow without fear. I want to be broken from myself and made more into the image of Him.
Even though I want that though, I am terrified of that. Probably because it requires the first running jump off from the cement landing I'm holding onto and into His will completely.
Guys, please, pray for me. I want so badly to live in reckless abandonment for God and I don't want my fear to be a stumbling block for that.
I didn't jump that day but I did the next weekend and it was the first time ever. Could it possibly be a trend towards a turnabout in my life? :]
