In Malawi I kept wanting God to tell me He believed in me. I kept asking for it. And He showed me in small ways that He really did believe in me. But in Zambia He really gave me a big opportunity to be used and feel believed in. We had two girls join our team for just one month that were thinking about going on the race in the future. I was asked to be the point person for these two girls! Basically that meant checking in with them each week and encouraging and loving on them. I was really excited!!
I got to meet them at the airport!! My first impression of Carlie and Shannon was that they were wayyyy too cool for me. But I trusted that the Lord chose me to be their point person for a reason. So I decided to just be real and vulnerable and not hold back who I am for fear of not being good enough.
The very first morning we were together I got in a fight with my tent pole and lost. I had a small gash on my head afterwards and sharing with Shannon and Carlie how it happened definitely broke the ice!!
So back story for a second: before the race I worked in a group home for teens with mental illnesses. Part of working there meant that we couldn’t self disclose anything about our lives to the teens. So I didn’t realize that relating that way to people I was in charge of for a year and a half left a mark, but it did.
I was completely myself with Shannon and Carlie and I wasn’t sure if that was okay. What if they saw me broken? What if they saw me as weak? What if they didn’t think my encouragement or advice was worth anything because I was such a struggle? But I did it anyway. And I remember feeling slightly uneasy, like being myself could get me in trouble. That is what would have happened at my job before the race. Also, if i did self disclose even a small amount there were teens that would use that information against me later. So I realized that I had a small fear of that as well. But I took it to the Lord and he continued to tell me to be vulnerable. So I did.
What God began to show me was that He prepared me in so many unique ways for these two girls. The different things that they wrestled with that month God either walked me through something similar or gave me wisdom and truth to speak over them. He chose me and I am so blessed. My first team’s name was eklektos which means “chosen by God” and I definitely felt it. He was telling me over and over again that He believed in me. And it is not because I am some super awesome spiritual chick, but because of my past and current struggles He used me. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul talks about what God said in response to his prayers for his thorn to be taken away “But he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
I want to live like that, fully open about my weaknesses so his power may rest on me. God believes in me exactly where I am at. I don’t need to be super holy first. Because He uses the mess to teach us stuff. And we can use what we learn to bless others. So, bring on the mess!
