Since training camp, A LOT has happened in my heart. Mostly good things! I was so skeptical about the weird deliverance thing that I went through at camp. I left camp thinking and feeling so many things and most of them scared me and made me feel alone. I wished for days that I could have someone who had gone through something similar to help me walk through it. No one was there, but God was. I realized the day following camp that I had a DELIGHT and a deep DESIRE for God. I was SO EAGER to spend time with Him. I didn’t want to watch TV or read fiction with my free time, I wanted to use ALL of my free time to be with the Lord. I learned quickly that hearing from the Lord and gaining intimacy with Him is not a sprint, but a MARATHON. Being someone who has not been good at long term activities, I knew this would be difficult. But the first few weeks it was not difficult, it was FUN and EXCITING! I felt like a completely different person after camp than I was before. I really felt like the WALLS HAD BEEN TORN DOWN!!!!
I was somewhat nervous about sharing my training camp experiences with people. I was scared what people would think of me. I was scared that people whose opinion I deeply valued would tell me that what happened was not real. But God has used many different situations and circumstances to confirm the work that He did in my heart that week. I met with my pastors shortly after training camp and I thought this fear would be confirmed. My church’s stance on Holy Spirit manifestations is they are “open, but cautious.” I think that has been my stance in the past as well. I shared with them what happened at camp, and what the Lord did. I also shared my fears. I shared that I was unsure of myself when it came to reading the Word because in the past I had difficulty experiencing God through it. They were super helpful and understanding and did not react the way that I was scared that they would. They provided me with super helpful bible study books. I have only been going to this church for about 6 months, but the pastors and many people in my congregation have poured so much grace and love on me that it did not take long for me to feel at home there. A couple co-workers and family members have mentioned to me that since training camp happened I “seem different” and that I have “peace” that they hadn’t seen in me before. WHAT?!?! REALLY?!?!
The Lord has also confirmed the work He did in me through my times that I have spent with Him. He has taught me so much about my identity in Christ and what it looks like to live OUT of that identity each day. Through living out of my identity I have been able to SEE others as Christ sees them. This has completely transformed how I approach the teens with mental illnesses that I work with. It has made it somewhat difficult though because in seeing them how God sees them their hurts hurt me more than they ever did before. When I hear them say that they feel “worthless” or “like no one loves” them or that they “can never change” I have to fight to keep from crying. Don’t you know that you were designed to have a deep, loving and intimate relationship with THE MOST HIGH GOD!?!?!? You were not designed to believe that you are worthless, or that self harming is the only way to make yourself feel relief. Killing yourself will not relieve the sadness or hopelessness or the deep hurt of rejection, only Christ can do that. It has been difficult to go in to work, but such a blessing as well. It would be easy for me to check out emotionally and think only about the future and what God has for me on the race. However, I know that He has me at this job, in this position, for this time for a reason. I am choosing to be obedient to Him and not check out, but be fully present.
Since training camp, I have been living out of new boldness that I did not have before. This boldness has allowed me to speak truth to people when I used to be too scared. It has allowed me to share my faith with people with whom I had been putting it off for months. I stepped out in faith and spoke what I felt God was telling me to say to some teenagers at work. One of them told me today the impact that it had had on her and her peer that night a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel like these things are my doing, but the Lord’s entirely. What God did in my heart over the past several years came to a breaking point in a good way at Training camp. He broke me in the best way possible. He broke away the fear that I had literally been letting control my life. I wrote a blog post a month or so ago about the spirit of fear that I had been living in. He has broken me free of that and has allowed me to truly experience what it means to live out of my new spirit of power and self control.
The Lord did a work in my life. He confirmed the work in so many different ways and it has been awesome! But let’s face it, EVERYDAY IS NOT AWESOME. For the first 3 weeks after camp, I felt a FIRE in my heart, a deep passion and desire for the Lord. And every day I would ask the Lord to not let that fire burn out. I am not saying that it has, but I think the past week and a half the fire has become more of a smolder or popping embers. And that is OKAY! God promises to FINISH THE WORK HE STARTED in me!!! I have learned since training camp as well that my quiet times do not need to look like a “cookie cutter” model of a quiet time that consists of prayer journaling and reading scripture. I had always sorta been told that if I was not in the Word every day that I was not spending time with the Lord. Or at least that was the impression I got. But I found that I could spend time with the Lord ALL DAY and it can come in so many different forms. I could read scripture or a book about God. I could also just listen to worship songs and let my heart bow down before Him. I could also talk about Him and to Him. These are all spiritual acts of worship. Like I said earlier, it is a marathon, not a sprint. Marathon runners do not do the same exercise every day. They weight train some days; on other days they rest. They do short run days and long run days. Sometimes I study a big chunk of scripture, other days I pick a verse or two to reflect on throughout the day. Some days I just focus on worshiping Him any time my mind is free (in the car or bathroom or when I have a sorta break at work.) I finally felt free in my time with Him!!
God did work and I delight in what He has done. But it wasn’t just training camp that changed me. God had been using different things in my life and had been cultivating this paradigm shift for a long time. He knew exactly what I needed in order to bring about this new desperation and desire for Him. He knows exactly what it takes to keep the desire going in my heart. I just need to be diligent and obedient and pursue Him as He pursues me. I never ever want to feel that there is a something wrong with me that keeps me from a real relationship with God again. I am trusting Him to KEEP me and continue to lead me to a place that is higher than I am.
