*This is a reflection on how God has been and still is rocking my world. Stay tuned for Part II. We are almost finished with debreif in Granada, Nicaragua with our whole, 62-person squad. Tomorrow we head to San Jose, Costa Rica to work with 6:8 Ministries. Pray for safe travels.
For those of you who know me personally, you may be familiar with the way in which I've approached tough conversations or arguments in the past. I would usually think things through and look at the bigger picture. I’d do my due diligence and prepare myself for battle; convinced that the casualties were just product of a good duke-out. In some of our talks, my emotions may have taken over and I was left scrappily fighting for better words. Then I may have attempted to manipulate my contender; still believing there would be a way out on top. There have also been times I have been defeated early on, leaving me feeling convicted, alone, and confused.
During much of my college life, it felt easy to simply call people out on things that I thought were “wrong“ with them or that needed to be changed. It even became something I was known for in certain friend groups. I was the one who would “say it like it is” and “challenge people”. Do you think this was something I didn’t like about myself? Surely not! I loved being the seemingly perspicacious one. The one who was so self-aware and full of discernment. Looking back however, all I see are the words:
PRIDE, by competition and the desire to be right/understood.
CONTROL, by not allowing the other person the room to breathe.
INSECURITY, in being wrong or being less knowledgeable.
I thought I had the world fooled when really I was the foolish one. Despite the reality of these truths, I am not going to drown in self-contempt about my mistakes. I am also not going to say that I never had good intentions during one of those tough conversations. However, I will say that rarely was I walking in the Spirit during those talks. I often relied on myself and the ways I would sway the other person.
People in my life began to notice this tendency and I myself was called out various times. I saw the change that needed to be made but had no idea how to fix it. Every nerve in my body desired to just learn how to do it on my own. “A-hah!” I thought. “I will just teach myself how not to do that.”
Recipe for failure.
Despite my many attempts, I failed to find holiness in my words because they were always my own. I was unable to find spiritual discernment when I discerned situations only using my own knowledge. My faulty preferences and control in certain situations had somewhere along the line purged God out of tough circumstances. It was a lonesome place.
Not to mention, I was a still a professional at keeping records of wrongs. I would pretend I was able to “forgive and forget” but really I would store the memory in a folder and file it deep into my the crevasses of my heart. I never knew just when I could advantageously use it in the future. Sure, I took the knowledge I’d acquired through life and leveraged it, but what was driving me was not of God. It was of me.
Two months ago, before I left for the World Race, I believed that I had a grasp on this issue. Then I entered unknown territory…
I would like to introduce you to FEEDBACK– World Race style.
The WR prepared us as best they could during Training Camp for the notorious feedback time that should be a part of every team’s day. I remember them saying that feedback needed to be:
1. A safe place: Do we feel like we will be judged? Can we be ourselves?
and we would need to have:
2. High preference: Do I feel preferred among my group members?
3. High courage: Can I mention the tough stuff? Brave conversations.
4. High consideration: Can I do it with love and the right intentions?
Early on, when we were still in Guatemala, I took the plunge into feedback very quickly. I remember Brian Alonzo (our squad trainer) telling me that it was best to get things messy in the beginning and not wait until month 7 to get real with each other. Do you think I took that advice? Absolutely. Maybe even to a fault.
I was ready and willing to get real, even if I had to take some names while I did it. Soon after a few feedbacks, I was sure that I was doing it right. I was able to speak about things that I experienced, saw and felt during our stay at Vida Ilimitada.
Some nights I didn’t feel as happy about feedback though. I found myself curled up in my bed, exhausted, wishing I were some place else. I didn’t see how we were ever going to make it past being offended by every little thing. Some of my conversations were just hard. Various days passed where I felt disconnected to my teammates. I felt like I was working so hard to make feedback work and to follow the rules; while still guarding my hard “I can’t be hurt by you” image. The weight was unbearable.
Burdens. Burdens. Burdens.
Why did I feel like I needed to carry the burdens of the plethora of ministry work, those that remained at home, and those yet to come? Why did I fear letting go? Why couldn’t I just cast those onto God’s shoulders? He had been pleading with me to do so.
Thanks to feedback from team members, I began to realize that I just couldn’t let go of my need to control. I “needed” to know how we were going to do things, what our schedule was, when we would talk about certain subjects, why other’s were asking me what to do, how I could manage to translate everything, what I could say to make feedback beneficial….etc, etc.
Even though I had claimed to be willing to follow, all I did was try harder and harder to lead. To be the one who got everything on the first go-around. To have it all under control. Though it seemed like I had free-flowing courage, I lacked the consideration to soften the blow. I had yet to truly love each of my teammates. I simply did because I was supposed to.
When was God going to get it through my thick skull that I was the only one leading my life? As far as I knew, I gave up the most beautiful season of my life (this past summer) to follow the Lord. Yet, something got lost in translation. I was not following anyone but myself. I leaned on my own understanding… and it was getting me nowhere.
Then there was a turn around. If it weren't for God waking me up and helping me realize what true submission to His Word and His will really was, I would not have experienced two of the best spiritual months of my life.
So, I bet you are wondering… what changed? What happened next?
Just wait. More on that soon.
