I Give Up

 

I have reached a point of surrender. I can officially say that I am surrendering my life to God and all that He has for me. That might sound like an easy thing to say. It was even easier typing it out. But what I can tell you, with absolute certainty, is that it is the scariest thing I have ever done and the most peaceful, all at the same time.

 

I have $4000 to raise in the next 19 days to stay on the world race. In approximately 21 days I could very well be on a flight home. In approximately 25 days I could be laying in my bed next to my Husky-Pup watching CNN for eating mac & cheese and sobbing over how I "failed" and let everyone down as a missionary. But guess what, I won't be sobbing and I won't be upset. Why? Because God is in charge.

 

It's a common phrase out here in the mission field to say "I spell faith R-I-S-K." It is a huge risk to have faith. I risked it all to come out here, to leave everything and everyone behind. And now, yet again, I risk it all by saying "okay, God, You have it all, You're either going to keep me here, or You aren't."

 

The past 10 days I have spent moping around to my teammates, saying, "why, oh, the agony of checking my support account", I went to squad leaders who then again reassured me that the money would be there. Today I am no longer moping around. What a grand adventure I am on! What an exhilarating life it is to live by faith and not by sight. I should feel so blessed that I get to wake up every morning and say "well, only God knows what will happen today!" And in 21 days what an adventure it will be to see if I get to stay as a missionary or if God will send me home!

 

I am not giving up. I repeat, I AM NOT GIVING UP! The journey has just begun! My journey of only letting God control things is just starting. Oh, what miracles he will work! In 19 to 21 days I'm going to find out if I go to Africa or if I go to Michigan! How exciting, what a blessing!

 

Do I sound like a crazy person yet? If I sound like a crazy Jesus Freak, good, that's what I was going for. I want to see so badly what God has for me. No matter where I am on the planet, there'll be such an amazing journey waiting for me. God is going to do so many amazing things in both places. Either way I get to be a part of it. Surely I want to stay here, more than anything in the whole wide world. God knows this. I know that He keeps His promises. So I will no longer run around can't like a crazy sad person wondering what God is going to do. No matter what He does, it's going to be a grand adventure. And I should be so blessed to even get part of His plan.

 

So, no more blogs about support. No more urgent Facebook requests. No more "whoa is me". No more pleading and begging God. Let me be cliché for a moment and say that He's got the whole world in His hands. And that's just fine with me.

 

Now that I have surrendered my life to God and all that He has for me, I need to go make sure the outhouse is in good shape to use. I must pack up my stuff to head out of our shack. I need to make sure there's enough water to do dishes, and most importantly I need to make sure the mice didn't chew through any of my cords.