Cheating on God
Sometimes…. I feel like I’m cheating on God. Seriously.
What does that mean? What does that look like?
Out here on the Race we have “team time” once a day. This can mean a variety of things will happen during that time. Sometimes it means hashing out the messy. Other times it means having heart-to-hearts and sharing your feelings, overcoming your past, Bible studies, cheering each other on. Most times it means laughing hysterically about silly things that happened throughout the day. But every once in a while, it means getting some hard feedback and discussing things that you don’t want to discuss.
There have been a series of events while on the Race where one thing has lead to another and what it boiled down to was someone telling me over and over to just pray for God’s Will. Have you ever desired God’s Will in your life? I do! But really, most of the time when I have said “I do” what I really meant was…. “kinda sorta maybe”. And then I just go on feeling like the very worst missionary ever. How can I be out here telling people to just pray when I myself am cheating on God?
I keep praying for God’s Will. Day and night. I just say, “God, do what you want with me. Mold me. Take me to where I’m supposed to be. Put me with who you want me to be with. Surround me with ministry. Place me at the front of the battle for Kingdom work.”
But what happens when God shows you a piece of His Will for your life and you don’t like it? Think about it for a second. Pause. Rewind. Fast forward. You see it. You think, “No, there’s no way.” And God says “Yup, that’s what I want for you.” What if you don’t agree? What if it’s scary? What if He told you to choose the path on the right instead of the left? Do you choose it? Would you choose it?
It was the heat of the day yesterday. I was cruising down some back alley through a slum in the back of the pick-up with 6 other people. The sun was beating down on me and I was ready to puke. Then, all of the sudden, out of nowhere in typical God like fashion, He slaps me. God and I have that kind of relationship; real talk. I pitch a fit with Him and then He slaps me when I least expect it. I was straight up convicted by a feeling: I was cheating on God.
I was giving time to people, to things, to thoughts that weren’t part of His will for me. I thought it was a fleeting feeling. I thought it would go away. But I woke up today and it hasn’t gone away. I’m still sitting here in this Ikea chair at my contact’s place, stunned by how I feel. I straight up feel like I am cheating on God. Like I’m doing something real bad, like a little kid that just ate all the cookies in the cookie jar.
Let me make something clear. Not for you readers, but really for myself.
You cannot run from God’s Will. He will stalk you, pursue you, hunt you down. You can set it aside, but in your head and your heart you will feel like a coward. The only difference is…. What are you going to do with that feeling?
I sit here and talk a big game. Like I’ll change. Like all of the sudden, I’ll change it all and run towards God. Sure, I will. But it will be a long road to doing it. It’ll mean sacrifice, some broken relationship, some hard change.
I do know one thing though…
Choosing God’s Will isn’t easy. It’s hard. It’s selfless, reckless abandonment of yourself. To give your life over to Him who knows what’s best when you yourself can’t even see past the clouds to which direction the sun is pointing.
Kingdom work is dangerous. It’s risky business. Kingdom Work starts with you first. It means that when God tells you something you don’t believe you can do…. you do it anyways. That Noah guy was a nutcase… or so they all thought. But nobody thought he was crazy when he sailed off into the sunset all safe and sound on that ark of his. I’d like to sail off into the sunset in a nice, comfy, safe and sound ark. Does anyone else realize that that ark didn’t have a steering wheel? Think about that for a second. There wasn’t a steering wheel. God was steering the ark. Who’s steering your ark? God? Yourself? Your friends? Your boyfriend?
God has given me some crazy blueprints for my life. And I don’t like them. But I’m trying to fall in love with them. I’m trying to let Him take the wheel. But it’s so dang hard. My new challenge is to let God steer. And I can’t wait for that!
