For at least the last six months I've spent almost everyday stalking blogs of current and past racers and their experience on the mission field. I checked to see what new adventures they were getting into for the week and searched for answers to the problems regarding my experience with the race that they might have already faced. I always forget that problems aren't solved the same for everyone, especially when trying to listen to God's voice. I say trying because I am no expert at hearing God talk to me.
You know all those stories we hear of people changing the world and following the call to live for God? Am I the only one who pictures God manifesting in the clouds and having a booming voice just like Mufasa in The Lion King? Ok, maybe it's wrong to compare God to Mufasa; or maybe Disney really did ruin my expectations in life – either way the Bible says only a fool looks for a sign. (An evil an adulterous generation seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of Jonah. Matthew 16:4).
For a long time I felt guilty about wanting a sign telling me to go on the race. Checking blogs everyday, wanting to do something more with my life, and thinking about the race constantly were totally not good enough, duh God. Here I was, afraid to commit because I needed more reassurance from God. I was thinking, "God, I know you're really busy and I know I'm really needy, but, do you think you could just text me or something? Just give me a yes or a no, that's all I need." Dear self, have you forgotten completely about God's gift of free will? I can't tell you how many times I was reminded that God can use me in America, and even in Ohio, and even right where I am at this very second. He can and He will, but I will be much more effective at helping God if I leave my backyard.
I stressed myself out for months about my decision to go on the World Race. Yes, no, yes, no, everyday a battle – just like picking a major in college. Yes, it's time you know, I'm bad with decisions. But during all the battle I forgot to look for God in the little things. Like the night I went to bed wishing I could talk to an alumni from the race and telling myself to have courage in the morning to reach out only to be woken up with a phone call from a world race alumni! Or even when I hadn't spoken to my WR mobilizer in a month because I was afraid of commitment and she told me my profile and deposit had been dropped only to find out my spot was still saved after all. God was with me the entire time I was processing my decision and instead of trusting God and saying, "Here I am! Pick me!" I was saying, "You know, God, you should really just tell me what to do already."
The thing about God is that he accepts everybody. The thing about me was that I was too afraid to be there for God when he's been there for me all along.
So here I am God. Ready or not.
