As I'm preparing my "inside" to leave I am working on weak spots and trying to let go of past hurt. There is one major situation that keeps coming back to mind and all I can feel is hurt, pain, anger, and complete flesh. Long story short my dad was asked to leave his position at the church based on assumptions, options, and hurt feelings rather than facts and biblical teachings. A group of the church made him look like the bad guy which in return caused broken friendships, broken spirits, and no church family in a matter of hours. This was my dad's second position that resulted in "change" since he left the paper mill after 15 years. When my parents sat me down on that Friday night and told me what happened all I could do was cry. I would now experience again first hand the struggles of my parent's financial situation for this job gave us a light at the end of the tunnel which was suddenly dark again. Here we were again…trying to figure out how we were going to make it month to month and the only constant, steady thing we had going was now gone.
Here's a little insight of what was going on that same week of our family having to leave our church family. My grandmother had alzheimers and we moved her and my grandfather down to Hawkinsville that week. We put her in a nursing home and he moved into our spare room at our home. Then, later that week my sister had her baby girl, Nora Lynne (that was in August 2011). The next few months were crazy… the day after Christmas (2011) my mom had a heart attack which kept us distracted… then in January (2012) Allison became pregnant with Liam after years of trying…. then in April (2012) my grandmother pasted away which meant it was time to sell their house and divided up her things which took months. Then, Sept (2012) Liam was born and in October (2012) my sister, brother in law and niece left for the Middle East. Needless to say we didn't have time to process what had really happened until now.
I went to therapy for a few months for depression and this subject came up more than once because I continued to hold anger and hard feelings towards them. Now that I am trying to mend and bring closure to things before I leave so that I have no distractions or blocks from Him, I know it is time to forgive. My stubborn side wants me to hold on to it and hang it over their heads for as long as I can. But it won't be healthy for me, my family, or my team to lug that around for the race and the rest of life.
These past few days I have been praying that He will tell me the right things to say and that my flesh will not come out when I see them face to face. I want there to be closure so that I can walk away and never look back on the past… it's in my past for a reason.
