Month one was hard, but not in the way I expected. I was expecting bucket showers and cockroaches, unnamed meats and little sleep. I had prepared myself for the physical discomforts that accompany missionary life, but that was not what God had in store.
Instead of physical discomfort, I experienced a different kind of discomfort; disconnection. The God that had felt so close leading up to the race, the God that cleared the way for me to be able to take this amazing trip, the loving God that I found so much comfort in suddenly felt like He was not there. I would pray and feel/hear nothing, I didn’t find God’s joy in serving others, and my relationships felt insincere.
I was on a trip to seek and glorify God and here I was, doubting His existence. This confirmed it: I’m definitely not a “good enough Christian” to be on the World Race.
As we packed our backpacks to make our way to debrief in Costa Rica, I was truly considering booking my flight home and calling it a month. What good was I on a faith-based trip if my faith was consumed by doubt?
Knowing I was in a low place I sought out time to talk with our squad mentors, Amy and David Black at debrief. After sharing how I was feeling, Amy asked me to describe the time I felt most connected to God.
I haven’t told many people this story- mostly because it makes me sound crazy- but this is the story of the first time I heard God speak:
—-
One day after church in Houston, I walked to Hermann Park. Per usual, I was confused about life. I started to pray and decided to try something new.
I asked God a question.
Then, to my surprise, He answered me.
It wasn’t a big booming voice, fire didn’t fall from the sky… it just came as a thought, but it was as if I was being spoken to.
My first thought was “WHATT just happened?” My second thought was maybe I’m schizophrenic now and the voices inside my head just really want me to love people. Then I considered that maybe it actually was God, so I decided to keep asking Him questions.
I had heard of people who thought they had talked to God, but it had never crossed my mind that I could be one of those people. But here I was, on a bench at Hermann Park having a convo with Jesus.
After I had asked all the questions I could think of, something crazy happened. Suddenly, I was overcome by an intense emotion. My surroundings hadn’t changed, but everything became beautiful in a way it never had before. I felt a deep sense of love and joy and was awestruck to the point of tears. It was like God had let me see the world through His eyes.
And then after a minute, it went away.
—-
Even though I didn’t tell many people about this experience, it was the experience that solidified my belief in Jesus.
Although sharing the story with Amy and David was wonderful, it didn’t help the fact that I hadn’t heard from Jesus in over a month. But as they were praying for me, I did hear from Jesus again.
…And this is how the convo went:
Jesus: “Confess your sins tonight”
Me: “What?”
Jesus: “Confess your sins tonight”
Me: “Really?”
Jesus: “Yes, really.”
Me: “What am I even supposed to confess, I thought I did that already at training camp?”
Jesus: “I will help you figure out what you need to confess.”
Me: “Do I have to?”
Silence
Me: “Really?”
Jesus: “Yes Really.”
Me: “Well God, that really sucks.”
Then God showed me a picture. It was a picture of me in the beach in front of our hostel getting baptized by David.
So I asked David if he did baptisms.
Later that night I wrote out a list of sins to confess. I awkwardly asked one of our squad leaders if I could confess my sins to him and then managed to procrastinate for about an hour before actually doing it.
My plan had been that after I was dunked in the water I would rip up the piece of paper where I had written my sins and cast it into the ocean. But right after David had asked me the questions and dunked me, the piece of paper was literally ripped in two and was pulled out of my hand and into the ocean.
Jesus very literally washed away my sins.
After my baptism, two other squad members also decided to get baptized. People on the beach took notice and asked about it later, leading to good conversations. This experience really showed me that even when God feels far, even when we are not in a place to serve, God is bigger. When we let Him, He works through us.
(Side note: If you are interested in more details about month one- Please visit my teammates blogs)
