I love being a gardener because it allows me to be in control of something. I am the creator of a space and I can shape it the way that I see fit. I pull, yank and trim until I feel that the garden’s integrity has reached its potential for that week. Then the next week I go through the whole process again. This process allows the garden to become whatever I make of it (hint, hint). However there is one task that I absolutely hate doing…pulling weeds. Yet it is a necessity in order for the garden not to be ugly and in chaos.
And that was what training camp was for me. Pulling weeds. It was not pleasant. It was actually kind of painful, yet it was a necessity in order for me to prepare for the Race. Training camp is supposed to be one of the most exciting parts of the preparation process for a World Racer. It involves camping out for a week in some scenic remote location with the people that you will soon be spending the next year with. Walls will come tumbling down, and a better understanding of how the kingdom works will be revealed. Right?
Well, sort of. Yes, walls did come tumbling down, and a better understanding of the kingdom did come, just not in the way I thought it would. For the most part I am in tact. I have all my fingers and toes despite the chilly temperatures the entire week. Yet others parts of me are, well, shaken. They have been poked at and pulled out of their places. All in an effort to make me more aware of anything that might hinder me from experiencing the fullness of God’s love and extending it to others.
Unfortunately I did not know that this was happening until day 3 of camp. I remember waking up Tuesday to that blasted rooster sounding off again and thinking, “Day 3. Alright. So far so good, Lord. No major breakdowns. ” Yet it was during that day that I finally started to wear down, and the Lord was finally able to reveal to me a whole host of issues that I had thought were not a problem. Things that I had buried and sunk to sea long before I got to training camp. Yet that evening my teammates somehow found a hole in my armor that lead to a sobering realization. I did not think I was worthy of anything.
And as quickly as the Lord allowed my armor to be punctured, He just as quickly covered the wound with Himself. As one of the girls began to pray over me, an image popped into my head. I was sitting in the lap of an older man. His face was glowing. He had laugh lines at the corners of His mouth. His nose crinkled when He smiled at me, and His eyes had a golden twinkle to them. He said something, and then let out a laugh. That laugh radiated throughout me, filling the inner hallows of my soul with joy and delight. And in that moment I felt worthy.
That image shook me to the core. Not because I was picturing myself sitting in the lap of God, but because of what I felt. It was not until that moment that I realized just how broken I was in that area of my life. Somehow I had been unaware of this truth. Due to daddy issues, constant rejection, and lies from the enemy, I had myself believing that this was the norm. That the feeling of worthlessness was just as common as a cold. BUT IT IS NOT. We are NOT meant to feel worthless. The Lord seeks and delights in us. THAT is the norm. Despite my daddy issues, my self worth issues, and my obnoxious personality the Lord delights in His creation! I think that this is a truth we could all stand to hear.
Overall, I would say that training camp caused me to grow. While I still am processing a lot from that week and what it means for the next 12 months, I must admit it has allowed me to be more open to what the Lord is about to make of me. Which was its point right? (Just like my garden.) It forced me to look at myself under a microscope so that I could understand that the lies of the enemy are being trampled upon everyday, and that when we tune our ears to His voice, He not only has a message for the world but one for us as well.
