As this current chapter comes to a close with graduation in the midst and as I prepare for this huge new journey in my life, I am surrounded by the opinions and commentary (both good and bad) from almost everyone I come in contact with.
It’s a common question for every college senior, “So what’s next”, “Where are you applying to now”, “What are your plans”, “Have you found a job?”
And while everyone seems to be pretty shocked with my not so typical response, everyone offers some sort of encouragement or comment on my decision. And while all of it is greatly appreciated, none of it really matters to me. For the most part I know what people are thinking. They are either encouraged by the transformation God is doing with my heart and my life or they think I have completely gone off the deep end. And although I know each and every opinion that I have come across to this point is coming from someone who cares about me, it doesn’t matter. For the first time in my life I can truly say that I don’t care about what anyone in “this world” thinks.
There isn’t a single person that can change the way I feel…but I still can’t help but wonder…
What would my mother say about this?
For fifteen years of my life, my mom was always the person I would go running to. ​
She always knew the answer, the right thing to say to make me feel at ease, to make everything better.
After God, she was next in line, the only person in line really, who knew everything about me. She knew every scar, every dream, every little thing that was unique to only me! In a way, I think she knew me better than I knew myself.​
So I can’t help but wonder…what would she say?
What would she say about the person I have become, about the places I have been and the places I will go.
I look back to when she knew me last, only fifteen years old, still a baby.
I have changed in almost every way possible and she never got to see any of that.
I try not to indulge in living in the past…I try not pondering what could have been and therefore I try not thinking about how each and every little thing in my life would be so much different if my mom was still around. Mostly because it’s too hard, but also because I have personally chosen to rejoice in the day that the Lord has made.
In the last moments I had with my mother, holding her in my arms, I willing let her go. Throughout her ten year battle with cancer she fought till the very end. Everyone knew why she refused to let go and that was because of my brother and me. I remember in her very last days, our Pastor stopped by the house to pray for my mom. Heavily sedated, barely able to talk, and no where near recognizable to the mother I had always known, she mustered up the strength to say,
“I still feel there’s hope, I just still feel there is hope.”
There are a million things I have learned from my mother, but one of the biggest lessons she could have ever taught me, was to always have hope. And it is what has carried me through every obstacle I have ever encountered in life.
So like my mother, I still believed there was hope too! I didn’t want to admit that she was dying either. To let her go would be to give up, I refused to give up.
But as the four of us gathered around my mom’s bed and what would be the last time that we would ever be together as a family… God changed my heart.
It will always be the hardest moment of my life but it was the first time where I was certain God was physically with me. And as I held my mommy in my arms, I promised her that I would be okay, that we would all be okay, and that it was okay for her to let go now. I saw a tear trickle down from the corner of her tightly closed eyes, and a few moments later God took her back.
It was the first time I gave up my will to fulfill Gods plan, it was the first time in my life where I was unselfish, and it was the first time where I trusted God with all my heart.
If you would have asked me years before or even a few days before that day, “what would I do without my mom,” I wouldn’t be able to answer you. It was unthinkable! I honestly believed that I could not live without her. Which is why I begged and pleaded with God every night since I was five years old, not to take my mommy away, that I needed her and he couldn’t have her yet.
Why every birthday wish, every twinkling star, and every penny thrown into the wishing well was reserved not for a bike or a doll, but for my mommy to get better.
But in that moment, in what will forever be the hardest moment in my life, God brought me peace, scooped me up in his loving arms, and carried me through it.
And it was in that moment, when I promised my mom that I would be okay, where I chose to carry on.
Where we all, my dad, my brother, and I chose to carry on, which is something that I think the three of us can always be proud of.
I knew right then that I could either be angry with God and stop living life or I could carry on, trusting that behind all God’s plans lie goodness and a future. And that is how I have lived my life ever since.
While over the years God has graciously shown me the goodness and future in his plans for my family, I still miss my mom and still carry her in my heart. And while I try not to think about what could have been…with big life events, its almost impossible. And so I wonder…what would she say about me going on the race?
I smile at imagining myself revealing to my mom my decision to drop everything to fulfill what God has asked me to do. I picture her (the mother who wouldn’t let me go to the park by myself until I was 13) freaking out, worried about my safety and even contemplating signing up for the race herself, just to make sure I would be okay.
A few months ago I read a blog written by a parent of a World Racer. It was written by a mom, who like my mom, always worried about her daughter. She was very uneasy about letting her go on the Race, but God was teaching her to trust him and the mother knew that she had to let her daughter go. The mom then talked about how her daughter’s race became her race too and how she got on board to support her daughter in this new journey God had called her to. She loving detailed how she helped her daughter fundraise and how she brought their community together to hold her daughter and the daughter’s squad in their prayers.
By the end of this blog I was in tears, because I knew this is exactly how my mother would have responded.
I hate to admit it, but the spirit of jealously came over me for a bit. And as I sat crying and wishing for that support, thinking that my race would be so much better if my mom was around…
God helped me realize that my race would not mean all that it does if I hadn’t gone thru the things that I have.
And that unlike most racers, my mom will be there with me during every step of this race.
And although her support won’t come in the form of helping me fundraise, or mailing me packages, it will come in the form of her watching over me and fighting off everything that stands in the way of me fulfilling the will of God as I travel the nations.
My mom…my very own guardian angel, now who wouldn’t want that?!
It has been seven years since God took my mommy back, June 3,2006. And while I am sure there are still parts of my heart that God needs to heal (which I'm almost sure he will do on the Race), my Jesus has carried me a very long way. He took a fifteen year girl who felt like she had just lost her entire world and gave her new life and new hope. Jesus healed my heart and helped me see that He had given me the whole world all along!
That is why I am going on this Race!
That is why I am willing to give up everything I have, leave everything that is comfortable, and give up all my old plans, to serve my Jesus.
Jesus gave me the world when I had lost everything. He loved me like crazy and he continues to love me like crazy…And so it is my turn to love those that our lost.
To love those that are broken, to give the world (Jesus) to those who have lost everything or never had anything to begin with. To show people that goodness truly lies behind all of our Father's plans, even if at the time we cannot see it. And to show the world that Jesus has a future for ALL of us!
So how could I not believe, how could I not be willing to give it all up to serve his Kingdom… to serve his children that he loves so much!
I would be crazy not to!
This day use to be the hardest day of the year for me…but Jesus has turned it into a celebration! A celebration of where I have been and where I am going. A celebration of my beautiful mother and the life she lived serving Jesus. A celebration of all the beautiful people God has placed in my family's life, even if it was for a short period. A day of remembering and appreciating all that I have and not all that I have lost. It is a day where I hold onto all the promises my Father has for me. A day where I look towards his future for me and know with every ounce of my being that it is Good!
Special thanks to my Daddy and Brother! Even though our little family is smaller now it has never been more full of love! Thank you Daddy for learning to become Mr. Mom. I will never be able to imagine how hard it was to have to be Mom and Dad while raising two teenagers. But I thank you for doing an amazing job at it! I never once felt like I was missing out on Mom's love because you loved Brian and I for the both of you! You are my rock and I truly wouldn't be here without you. To my amazing and beautiful brother. Every part of me admires and loves the young man you have become! I see so much of Mom in you. I've always believed that you were created to change the world. I am so blessed to be able to watch and to call myself your sister. I will miss you both so much much while I am gone!
Grace Happens
June 3,2006
