She was born without a name. No one to rock her to sleep or to soothe her cries. Weighing no more than a pound and born far too early, she slept in a car seat on top of a hospital bed all alone. My heart melted the second I saw her precious little face buried under her crocheted lavender bonnet and her teeny little hand curled out from her plush teddy bear blanket.
My heart was beating as the nurses helped me remove my shirt…what if she stopped breathing, what if I accidentally crushed her, she was so tiny! I had never seen a baby so small, not inside an incubator.
And then the nurse placed the tiny little angel onto my chest, her heart atop mine.
Once I got past the embarrassment of having a room full of strange Guatemalan women help me undress, it hit me how truly beautiful this moment was. It was my body keeping her warm, my heartbeat soothing her to sleep. And as I held her skin to skin, responsible for this fragile new life…her tiny body buried under my sweater, I thought to myself this must be at least a tiny bit how it feels like to be a mother. So worried I was doing something wrong, I kept asking the nurse for reassurance…"Estas bien?" I would ask. Looking down every other minute to make sure she was still breathing, I had said about 100 prayers that I wasn't suffocating her. And at feeding when I couldn't get her to latch onto the syringe filled with milk and as the nutrients that she so desperately needed dribbled out her mouth I worried that she wasn't getting enough to eat.
During my brief glimpse into motherhood I realized just how truly important mothers are. And that even after the diapers and the breast feedings, the worrying for them never stops. I looked at the exhausted mothers in that room, girls younger than I, and only mommies for a couple of weeks. I thought about how their love would see their children through everything that life will throw at them. And then I thought about my own mother and about all the worrying she must have done and all the love she gave to see me through the fifteen years that she had with me, setting me up for a future filled with happiness and security, knowing that I was well loved.
And then I looked down at the tiny little girl snuggled against my chest. Who would love her? Who would worry about her…how did she even stand a chance in this world all alone, without a mommy to love her? And then I looked around the tiny nursery, at little Mercario whose mother passed away and was abandoned by his alcoholic father. And then there was Paulina age 8 and Catarina age 11, two adorable little girls taken away from abusive homes. And finally baby Lupita who suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and was also abandoned by her alcoholic mother. Who would love these children? What kind of futures would these beautiful babies have? It didn't seem fair… How completely different my childhood was from these precious children. And I couldn't help but question why was I so blessed? Why did God choose to give me such a wonderful mother and a wonderful environment to grow up in? Why not Mercario or Paulina?
And although I don't have the answer for that, God has graciously given me such a peace about it. I feel in the deepest part of my heart that these children will be okay. That God's grace and love will carry them through everything in life. And that moms like all other great blessings in life are truly a gift from our Heavenly Father and that like all gifts, he blesses us differently, giving mommies to some and different gifts to others.
So if God has given you the gift of a wonderful mom show your appreciation for that blessing! Or if you are like little Mercario or Paulina and God has given you different blessings, please know that you are loved! It may not seem fair but God has a perfect plan for your life, trust in His goodness!
And to all the mommies out there and mine up in heaven…thank you for the blessing that you are to this world and His Kingdom. Please know how worthy you are and that the Heavenly Father created you to be a blessing…one of the most valued treasures in a person's life. Thank you for all the nights you stayed up rocking us to sleep, all the times you chose to smother us with love when we tried to push away, and for all the years of worrying that extends way beyond our eighteenth birthday!
