There I sat under the moonlight on a beautiful Nicaraguan beach, toes buried in the cool sand, with the gentle breeze of night softly blowing. We had been there for about an hour now and all we could do was sit and wait. Despite the serenity of it all and the peaceful backdrop of twinkling stars spread across the dark sky above the crashing waves, my mind was all over the place. Why was this so important to me? Why did I want this so badly? Is it wrong to place expectations on The Lord? But what about coming to The Lord with an expectant heart, believing He can do big things! What about believing that no petition is too big or too small for the Father that loves His children. Okay God I give this to you, I will just sit here and wait.
What was I waiting on, you are probably wondering by now. For an encounter with God, a miracle, or a healing? No, I was not waiting for anything like that, although in some crazy God way it turned out to be all three. However, initially I was sitting, waiting, wishing, and expecting on something much smaller than that! I was waiting on turtles!
I had seen it in a travel brochure that was handed to us the first day we arrived in Nicaragua. From the moment that I saw it I knew that I had to witness this spectacular event! There it was on page seven of the brochure, amidst all the other must sees of Nicaragua, a beautiful beach covered with turtles. It was a nature reserve specifically for the Ridley turtle, where up to thousands of these turtles come ashore at night to lay their eggs. For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with sea turtles, specifically Hawaiian Green Sea Turtles. Every year my family would vacation in Hawaii and every year it would be my quest to find, swim, snorkel, and surf with as many sea turtles as possible. So when I saw this I was sold! And to get my hopes up even more, the specific time these turtles lay their eggs just so happened to be in October. And after more research than I would like to admit, as Internet is a precious commodity when your on the World Race, especially when living on an island, I had planned out a weekend trip to see these turtles.
So there I was finally on the beach, after a week of planning and anticipation. And despite the warnings from all the locals that witnessing these turtles isn’t like clockwork, that we were dealing with nature and there was no one to cue in the turtles. And that it was very likely I could sit on the beach all night and not see a single turtle, I was still convinced that God was going to bless me. But as time passed without a turtle in sight, I began to get frustrated. So much so that I went to that awful place of wondering if God truly cared. Even venturing to that place of wondering if I had committed to leave behind everything I have ever known, placing my life in the hands of a God who quite possibly couldn’t even hear me.
I immediately became frustrated with myself for even thinking that. God didn’t need to prove anything to me… and hadn’t He already proven Himself to me time after time, showing up and revealing Himself to me in the most beautiful and amazing ways all throughout my life. And here I was doubting Him because I hadn’t seen a turtle! And then it became clear to me that this wasn’t about the turtles. I felt God asking me to ask myself why was this so important, why did I need to see these turtles so badly. I had known the reason all along but for some reason never thought about it once while planning my turtle excursion.
While I do truly love turtles, it’s not so much to do with the animal itself, but rather with what turtles had come to represent and the memories they brought back. There is only one other person in this world that I know who shares my love for sea turtles and that is my mom. Every year we would spend half our vacation just looking for these green critters. We would swim way beyond our level of capability, under caves, past buoys, and around coves where the water gets rough, just to be able to get a glimpse of this beautiful sea creature. We’d wait on beaches at sunset, dinner always being scheduled around this event, for turtles to come up closer to shore. We’d drive across islands and hit up every beach rumored to be a turtle hot spot. And the moment that we spotted one, neither of us had to say anything, our faces said it all. However we always did, not being able to contain our excitement. “Look,” we would shout out and point excitedly, even when we were underwater. There is no greater way to see them, then underwater, gliding peacefully beside them, as they show you their world under the sea. It was this shared understanding between my mom and me that our vacation wasn’t complete if we didn’t see a turtle. And although we came close some years, God always sent us a turtle, even if it was on the last day or night.
I never stopped looking for turtles, even after my mom passed away. Finding turtles became that much more important to me, almost as if they were God’s promise to me that my mom was still with me.
Waiting on that beach it all hit me. I realized that I was waiting on so much more than turtles, I was waiting on my promise from God. For Him to understand the hurt that I still harbored in my heart, even though it’s been seven years. I needed to know that He still cared. In a world full of people always on the go, time pushes us along. And while I have so many supportive people in my life, sometimes I feel like the world has expected me to get over it already. Sometimes I feel like I expect myself to get over it already. Which is why I was so frustrated. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was done healing. So why did I need this reminder? Why has almost every blog I have written had some element of my mother in it.
At that moment my team leader, reading the frustration on my face, asked if I was alright. And instead of saying I was okay I felt God ask me to be vulnerable and tell him why seeing these turtles was so important to me. So as I opened up and told him what was on my heart and just as I told him, with tears in my eyes, that every year God had always sent me a turtle, our guide interrupted us. “Look, turtles!”
I couldn’t believe it! We ran over and to my surprise it wasn’t a mommy turtle laying her eggs. It was a bunch of baby turtles who had just hatched, making their way to the ocean for the first time, ready to start their life. It was the most beautiful sight and as soon as I saw it I was overwhelmed with God’s amazing love for me! So much so that I burst into tears and laughter! I looked like a crazy animal lady who was crying over the turtles, but I didn’t care. I knew it was so much more than turtles. It was God’s amazing love for me. His understanding and knowing better than even I, the pain in my heart from missing my mom. God is so much bigger than time! To Him, seven years is the same as seven seconds. He will always understand the pain we’ve felt and the sorrow we carry, no matter how long ago. And what’s even crazier about Our God is that He can heal like nothing else, even if it’s in the form of baby turtles.
I don’t think it’s coincidence that I didn’t get to see any mother turtles lay their eggs that night. That what I got to experience was the beauty that came after the mother did all her work. That the journey I am on now is venturing into the ocean, ready to start my life, with only God’s love and grace to guide me.
