It's so hard to believe that month 6 in Romania has come to an end and that I am now in month 7 in Serbia. We had quite the "typical" 21 hour travel day to get here and while sitting in a gas station between midnight and 5am I had some of the sweetest time in my journal with God and I thought I would share some of that with you… Here is my letter from and to God.
My Dearest Christin,
Do you trust me? Do you trust that I hold you in the palm on my hand so close to my heart? Do you trust that my love for you is unconditional, that my love is pure, not motive driven, that my love for you is limitless? Do you trust that I have a plan for you, today, tomorrow, and forever more? Do you trust that I created you so uniquely, so perfectly, so only for a purpose and void that only you can fill? Do you trust that your past is your past, that I was with you in every moment and that I will use those stories and times to bring me glory? Do you trust that we have such a bright future together? Do you trust that I see the desires of your heart, that I see the way you yearn for more of me and desire more of me? Do you trust that I see and know your dreams? Do you trust in my will, in my timing, in my ways, in my heart?
My Christin, I desire your trust, I desire you to trust me more, I desire you. I desire you to walk in complete healing and freedom, I desire you to walk in joy! I desire for you to let go, to leave it all behind, to stop beating yourself up about the past and worrying about your future. Focus on me… Walk with me, follow me, trust me, love me… I've got you, I'm holding you so tightly, so rest in me. Cease striving and know that I am God, that I am good, that I am sovereign.
Trust me, follow me, walk with me, love me, trust me.
My love for you is so unexplainable, un-fathomable, unconditional. No matter what you've done or what you do I love you. And I have plans for you. Trust that I will reveal them to you in the right timing. Trust that they are good.
Trust me…
Dear Lord,
Thank you, thank you for this month. That you for being such a sovereign and good God. A God that is so magnificent and huge yet still so detailed and knows me and loves me regardless inside and out. I love that I can't comprehend how you do it, how you love, how you operate.
I can't really express what I'm feeling right now (sitting in this gas station in Timisoara Romania at 3 am) but month 6 was crazy, a lot a lot of stuff happened, and just being more months done than that which are ahead makes me think a lot. About the reality of going home and what that look like, about who I am in Christ, the things I've learned, the freedom and healing I walk in.
Abba, thank you for your faithfulness, for your unfailing love, for your forgiveness, for you grace, for your strength, for your heart, for who you are! Thank you for the way you always come through. Thank you for loving me, for never giving up on me, for believing in me and fighting for me. I stand in your truth, I stand in boldness, confidence, grace, and humility, that I am your daughter, your beloved, your chosen. I look forward with such trust and dependence! I look forward with great expectation, I look forward to what you have in store! I love you with all my heart!
Amen
See I came to this point where I had to stop trying to figure it all out. I had to stop trying to understand God's love, grace, and forgiveness. I had to stop trying to figure out who I am in Christ. I had to stop trying… And just accept and believe… Because I'm never gonna fully understand it or get it… Because I don't think we can ever fully understand or get God… So it's time for me to stop trying and to just be, just accept it, just live in it, just walk it out. And there's such a freedom in that. I feel such joy right now… Like the chains are really gone and I am really set free. That I can just be, just be me, just be joyful, just be at the table with people, just be myself the person that God created me to be. To just live in confidence that He is in me and thats all I need.
Finally what I've been yearning for this whole time has finally come true, has finally clicked, and I love it! I love that I am standing boldly and confidently, yet humbly and gracefully all the same time. I love that I am accepting myself for who I am in Christ. I love the smile on my face, I love this continual dance, I love it!
Thanks to my momma who reminded me of this song…
"You dance over me,
While I am unaware,
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.
Lord I’m amazed by You,
Lord I’m amazed by You,
How You love me.
How wide,
How deep,
How great,
Is Your love for me."
Reading with sweet Jenica!
Love my co-squad leader and sweetest dearest friend!
