I have struggled for a long time with the word “selfish.” It has such a negative undertone and brings up the feelings of shame and guilt for me. But throughout my graduate studies, we discussed the importance of “self-care” and I began replacing the word “selfish” with “self-care” in my mind. I have reasoned that if I am in need of rest or nurturing, it certainly is self-care…which is necessary. The best example I have for the importance of self-care is those of us who get “hangry.” [insert guilty giggles here] If I do not take the time to care for myself by eating something, I get HANGRY and snap or bark at people…not my proudest moments! Self-care allows me to take care of myself so that I can help take care of others.
Sounds simple. I was ready to banish the word “selfish” from my vocabulary!
You know that’s not the end of the story…
That word…urrrrgggghh…has been coming back up during my preparation for this trip. It seems so selfish to just walk out of adulthood and go on an 11 month sabbatical…it is not the responsible thing to do! Yes, I am chasing after God and my calling and passion…but I have to ask other people to help fund this trip…urrrgggh…uncomfortableness… Just a little insight into this ongoing back-and-forth conversation happening in my mind. I have talked this through with several friends and with God…why does this word keep coming up?? I’ve gotten responses like “what?! This trip is the least selfish things a person could do!” and “you’re giving up income and essentially becoming homeless for a year…not selfish.” Yet…it has still been tugging at my spirit…
Until this morning…
–Quick tangent—I love it when God speaks directly, but it sure can be creeeeeeepy sometimes! If you have not experienced this yet, it is an AMAZING thing and I hope and pray you will! Also ironic that I spent so many times praying “God just send me a text or something…so I know!!” and as soon as He starts to, I totally get weirded out!
So on my morning drive I’m listening to this sermon by one of my favorite pastors on family discipleship. Matt Chandler has a fantastic gift of putting words together so that hard heads and simple minds like mine can get them. He talks about how family discipleship begins with the person and moves outward to the family, then community, then town, etc… I have heard this sermon before, but this morning, the first layer of the family discipleship stood out to me.
Me. My relationship with God. This is where it all starts.
I am no good to anyone if I am not nurturing my relationship with God, and spending time “stirring my affections for Him.” And boom, the Holy Spirit whispered to me: “Isn’t that what this trip is? Filling your life with doing what stirs your affections for Me? Selfish? Psssshht! Keep stirring your affections for Me. Stop allowing the enemy to get into your mind.”
Hold the phone. What did my morning devo say today??
“Let Me control your mind. The mind is the most restless, unruly part of mankind. Long after you have learned the discipline of holding your tongue, your thoughts defy your will and set themselves up against Me. Man is the pinnacle of My creation, and the human mind is wondrously complex. I risked all by granting you freedom to think for yourself. This is godlike privilege, forever setting you apart from animals and robots. I made you in My image, precariously close to deity.
Though my blood has fully redeemed you, your mind is the last bastion of rebellion. Open yourself to My radiant Presence, letting My light permeate your thinking. When My Spirit is controlling your mind, you are filled with Life and Peace.” -Jesus Calling
I told you…creepy.
I’m so overwhelmed with peace and the love that flows from my amazingly creepy God. And so I will continue to stir my affections for the love of my life…
