Coming onto the World Race, I had few expectations. However, one that I did have was that the entire trip I would be ablaze for Christ. That I would never feel doubtful or unsure. That I would witness incredible transformations in Jesus name. However, this is not necessarily true.
Sitting on the first couch I had sat in in months in a hostel in Johannesburg, I started to chat with a girl from the Netherlands. Eventually she asked me what exactly it was I was doing in South Africa. After explaining to her that I was a Christian missionary, she told me that she was an atheist. Throughout the following 3 hours that we shared our faith, our love for Christ, and debated with her points on evolution and creation, I had a very odd feeling of bewilderment. Something in the back of my head, as I was explaining the circumstances surrounding the birth of Jesus, told me that I was being absurdly foolish and childish. From that time on, I began to think how utterly foolish all of the Bible stories I had grown up hearing about sounded. It was like I was viewing them from an unbelievers stand point.
On top of that, I started to find ministry mundane and disatisfactory. I was tired of the lack of routine. I found it hard to find enthusiasm to walk up to randomn strangers and share the gospel, when I felt unqualified. I felt that since I hadn’t heard God speak to me, there was no way I would be able to speak Jesus into someone else.
Through all of this unrest and doubt, I knew Jesus was calling me back to Him. I knew that beyond all doubt, he was there for me, every day, every minute, telling me that he loved me and he had better for me than I thought I could make for myself. He hasn’t let go, and I know He never will.
After some hard falls back in January, he again picked me up, showing me that His love is the only way for me to fully be satisfied. Sometimes, I feel like I haven’t grown the way I had wanted or expected to over the past six months. But, God has been showing me that his ways are not my ways. He has been stretching me in ways that I never would have imagined or even wanted. Through that though, has come trust that He is there.
