I walked out of the hospital tonight and walked to the car.
It might have been the first time I’ve paused to process anything since I came
home last Saturday. For the first time since I’ve been in American, I suddenly wondered
what everyone was doing back in Nicaragua.
I checked my phone: Tuesday the 22nd.
I checked the time 830pm. So what would everyone be doing at 730pm on a Tuesday night in Nicaragua? What would I be doing if I were still
there? Then I remembered. I realized that as I was leaving the hospital, the
rest of my squad was dressed up and out to the end-of-the year banquet for the
race.
It got me to thinking more about all the changes I’ve
undergone in the last few days. What does life look now compared to one week
ago? One week ago I was living at a hostel in Granada
with my team. I ate a lot of rice and beans, spoke Spanish, walked everywhere,
and used the internet to contact people. And now? I use the car to get around.
Everybody speaks my native language. I’ve eaten vegetables, chicken wraps, English
muffins, and salad. And when I need to contact someone, I use my cell phone. Or
I access the internet through the cell phone. I take hot showers in the
morning, drink coffee throughout the day, and wash clothes when they get dirty.
I’m sitting on a couch typing this blog with the television on in the
background. And when I finish, I will go into the other room and climb into the
huge comfy king-sized bed that I get all to myself.
There are no more lizards on the wall (See previous blog). In
the matter of a few days, my life has been completely transformed. The way I
live is different, what I’m doing is different, and my plans have changed
almost entirely. I never thought I would reunite with my family after seven
months at a hospital in Chicago….but
I did. I didn’t think I would spend my first week home from the race in a
hospital room… but here I am. Life seems to change quicker than we are prepared
for sometimes. I wasn’t ready for any of this, yet here I am, dealing with it
as it comes, relying on the Lord to guide me each step of the way.
My grandma is still sick in the hospital. The pneumonia
hasn’t gotten any better but it hasn’t gotten worse either. They have moved her
from the ICU to another wing because she is more stable. She is still on a
ventilator and in general, pretty uncomfortable. She can’t talk to us
obviously, because of the ventilator, so she is only able to mouth things to
us, and we’re left with trying to figure it out. Some days are worse than
others, but overall, I know she is happy to have me there. And I am happy to be
there.
I miss everyone on the squad like crazy. When I actually
have a few free minutes, to stop and think about anything, they are often on my
mind. I wish that I could be there tonight with you all, but it is a blessing
to know that I have all your support and prayers during this time. I have
complete peace that this is where the Lord wants me for this season, and in
that, I know He will guide me as I go. I rest in the knowledge that God is
using me for his glory right in the middle of that hospital. I don’t need to be
prepared. I don’t need to know everything. I just need to trust. So despite my
hectic schedule, my tired body, and my boggled mind, I feel mostly calm.
I am ready, despite the fact that I myself am not really ready for anything. I am ready because I
know it is not me that has to do anything. I am empty of me and ready to be filled with Him.
Continue to pray for my Grandma. Pray for no pain. Pray for
healing. Pray for discernment for my family with her. Pray for clear
communication between me and her when I am in the hospital with her. Pray that
our time would be joyful. Pray that she would know Jesus more and more every
day. Pray that she would feel loved.
