Easier said than done! To say that God had me in the desert these past 6 months would be an understatement. I prayed for clarity, in several areas in my life, and each time all that I would hear is silence. Pure silence. Nothing! No direction at all! I struggled with what that meant. Did this mean I was supposed to hold back on moving my life forward? After all, I was jobless, churchless, and spent most of my time by myself. Or was this one of those times that I needed to step out in faith? But step out in what direction? Step towards more school? Step towards a new job? Step towards missions? I never felt comfortable taking the step of faith with the silence that gave no confirmation.
So I waited. I worked a little part time for my dad. I took a 1 month trip back to the Philippines to do some ministry, I visited Sarah in Kentucky and Pam in New York with Megan. I lived with Colleen and hung out with her and Danny. I put all my blogs and pictures into a book and had it printed. I met my friend Alana for dinner on Mondays. I looked up hundreds of jobs online, and applied for a few. I started going to a new church near my home and began the membership classes. And all the while I knew that no matter what I had done to move into the next part of my life, I wasn’t there yet. I still felt like I was in the transition stage, waiting for the page to turn so my next chapter could begin.
I went to New York over the holidays. I hoped that this trip would bring me some major revelation about my future. I was considering nursing school and I thought that being in the presence of Pam (a nurse), that I would have one of those “ah-ha” moments… Maybe the TV in Times Square would light up and give me instructions… or at least that’s what I was hoping for. So I went. And I came home. And there were no instructions in time square.
But I did have a mini revelation. A tiny bit of that “ah-ha” moment that I had been looking for, where the lightbulb flashes on above your head. I realized what wasn’t in my future. I realized that my desire to attend nursing school was misplaced. It didn’t stem from a desire to heal the sick, but rather a desire to have something to offer.
Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean a lot of times), I let my pride get into the picture. Sometimes I don’t want to be Christie: the girl who graduated with a degree she’ll never use, has no money in her bank account, is 23 and single, has no skills to offer, and has to ask people for money for a living. Sometimes I want to be Christie: the girl who got her Masters because she’s so intelligent, has the cutest little family, and is jack of all trades. And that, is what we call pride. Nasty, nasty pride.
I realized then, that whatever God had planned for my future, I would have to let it be enough. I had to stop looking toward earthly success, and start looking for His Will. After all, God isn’t looking for the elite. He’s looking for those that are willing.
So now I must ask myself…. Am I willing? No matter what?
